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faith
When One Hour Becomes Four.
Saturday, February 6, 2021
Have you ever experienced one of those situations where a bunch of moments lead up to something and at the time that those moments are happening you don't think anything of them until hours later when they finally become significant?
Let me explain.
December 2, 2019.
I drove a friend's car. Talked with another friend about which of us would drive this friend's car back home. We talked about who was a better driver, how many car accidents we'd gotten into as the driver. I said none, my friend said one.
How did the night end?
Car accident. We were rear-ended at a red light by someone.
I will always remember standing on the curb in the snow, staring at my friend's car in the middle of the road. My friend who had been driving walks over to me, staring at me as he approaches and says, "...Two."
My point? Our prior conversations about car accidents and driving had been completely random and seemingly meaningless at the time, until we actually got into a car accident an hour later.
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| A view while stuck on the i95 in NC; March 6, 2020. |
Flash forward from December 2019 to two nights ago - February 4th.
I had to go to the church office in the evening for a recording of the worship set we're using for Sunday morning.
Now the context here is that, with traffic, it takes me roughly an hour to get from my house to the office.
I remember my mom telling me before I left mid-afternoon that we were supposed to get a pretty intense snowfall.
"That won't start until about midnight though," she told me.
"Yeah... I won't be out that late. Why would I have any reason to be at the office that long?" Was my response to her.
Remember my original point here. Moments that lead up to something and seem insignificant until they finally become significant.
After the recording - which was so fun and went really well by the way, thank you for asking - I was chatting with a friend briefly and he asked me,
"Do you work tomorrow?"
"Yeah, in the morning. So I need to get home so I can go to sleep."
Yeahhhh. Just keep reading.
I left the office just before 10:00, at the same time as two of my friends. The last "insignificant moment" I can recall is one of them saying,
"Make sure you text someone when you make it home."
It caught me off guard and seemed kind of random, because while it's true that I live the furthest away from the office than any of the others who were there that evening - only 10 people, don't worry; we follow those pandemic guidelines around here, it's all good - it still seemed random to me because my friend never tells me to text someone once I'm home. But y'know, it's nice that people care about me so of course I agreed and said I'd let someone know.
I get in the car, I get on the highway. I realize after two minutes 'Oh shoot, I was going to get gas!' I get off the highway. I get gas. It's about 10:20pm now, and I'm ready to be home asap.
Little did I know I had a big storm coming. Figuratively, but also quite literally... Remember the impending snowfall.
I get back on the highway, driving for about 14kms before the pickup truck in front of me puts on his break lights, eventually coming to a dead stop. This is at 10:28pm.
Side note, I know I drove 14kms because I paid attention to the mileage before leaving the gas station, wondering how many it'd take to get from there to my house, just fyi.
I stop behind said pickup, suddenly realizing that all the vehicles in all three lanes are dead stopped too. I had experienced something similar to this back in the fall when there had been some road paving happening on the highway. For some reason I thought maybe that's what was going on here.
I didn't think about the fact that that's ridiculous right now because it's the middle of winter.
At 10:50pm when we were still stopped, I started thinking. 'Okay, time to put the car in park. It looks like we might be here for a time.'
I tried to stay calm and be patient, because at that point I realized that an accident had likely occurred and considering all three lanes are completely stopped, maybe the accident had been fatal, and obviously that person's family has it a lot worse than I did, sitting there in my warm car. I know now however that the accident wasn't fatal for anybody which is nice!
I'll spare you my inner monologue for the rest of the time that I sat there on the 401 in the middle of the night, but let me just tell you... I could have read my car manual all the way through and perhaps started to even memorize some of the information if I'd wanted to.
What I really did was listen to a whole album that someone at the office had recommended to me that evening, fiddle with the child locks on the windows of the car, watch the snow that had begun to fall intensely - as previously noted, and then start to listen to old One Direction tracks to pump me up when I started to feel tired.
At 1:00am, we started moving again. At that point, I was about 30 minutes away from home but because of the aforementioned intensely falling snow, it took me still another hour to get home.
I left the office at 10:00pm. I made it home at 2:06am.
So what did I do when my hour commute turned into four?
'You already told me what you did', you're thinking.
I told you what I physically did to pass the time, considering I couldn't leave the car and all my friends were asleep.
But I haven't told you yet what happened in my heart during those four hours.
You know how people always wonder and ask the questions, "How do you know God is real?" "What has He ever done for you?"
During those four hours, He kept me safe. He kept me calm. I knew I wasn't alone.
I was texting my best friend about the situation, and when she decided to go to bed she told me that she was sorry to be leaving me alone in this scary situation, but "I'll be praying for you though. So, you're not alone!"
And the thing is, it was kind of a scary situation. But when I think back to it, I wasn't actually scared. All I wanted was to get home safely. I believed and trusted that if God wanted to get me home safely, then He would. And He did. That is how I know He is real. That is what He did for me. And He continues to do that each day.
And even though the whole drive took four hours, it didn't feel that long. I sat in the same spot on the 401 for two and a half hours, but thinking back on it, I can hardly believe I remained occupied and calm that whole time. I even remember noting that the time seemed to be passing surprisingly quickly.
I'm still kind of rattled about the whole thing, to be honest.
I wasn't really scared, even during that last hour when I couldn't see where I was going or what lane I was in because the plows hadn't been through yet.
I was physically alone the whole time in the car for four hours. But I didn't feel alone or scared in the middle of the night, as the snowstorm began around me.
It was such a strange situation that I'd never experienced before and honestly, hope to not experience again.
But I will say, I decided to get coffee on my way to work yesterday and all I could think was,
'I waited on the 401 for two and a half hours, I can wait in the Tim Hortons drive-thru for five minutes.'
So, It's 2021.
Saturday, January 9, 2021
The beginning of a new year always holds a sense of wonder and excitement for me. 365 days lie ahead - fewer now, by the time I'm writing this - with only a vague sense of what each one of them might hold.
After the rollercoaster that was 2020, I'm sure we can all agree that the already vague sense of what each new year will hold is feeling far more vague than usual this time around. At least that's what I'm thinking.
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| Milton, ON; May 2, 2020 |
At the same time, I find that my excitement and wonder toward 2021 is still going strong, in spite of the province's current lockdown, and the fact that I've spent this first week of the new year at my house, only ever leaving to go to work and then come right back home afterward, unless I need to stop for gas or groceries.
But the thing is, I don't think that the problem with 2021 is the virus' continued existence, the global immensity of the pandemic, the provincial lockdown, or even just that 2021 is unfortunately emerging on the coattails of the year that was 2020.
I would say that the problem with 2021 lies in one's mindset.
See, at the end of 2016 (okay first of all - WOAH, how even was that just over four years ago and also who even knew my blog has existed for that long?!?! Okay, I knew but still. WOAH.), I put out a whole rant post about people who had tweeted/instagrammed/posted that 2016 had been "the worst year in recorded history".
In that post, my twenty year-old self said this:
"When I take a moment to look back on the past 365 days, yes I recognize that this world, as well as my own life, has seen some hard times. However, first and foremost I see God's goodness and mercy present in every situation. Okay, I'm a finite human, so I didn't actually recognize His presence in everything, but in hindsight, I know He was there. God was gracious to me far more times than I deserve."
Again, it's all about mindset. I continued in my rant to ask if people could really look back on the previous year and say that nothing good happened? I don't know about you, but when I look back on 2020, I can't truthfully say that.
I started a second job.
I got my full driver's license.
I made new friends.
I started teaching piano lessons.
And those are only the things that instantly came to mind!
I'm currently reading a book that talks about learning how to control and direct our thought patterns in order to "stop the spiral of toxic thoughts", as the sub-heading of the book puts it (post on this book coming later). Based on how things went in 2020, it's natural for anyone to be skeptical of what will happen this year, especially in terms of the pandemic, which doesn't look as though there's an end to it in the near future.
It's in times like these that I'm incredibly thankful for the knowledge that God is in control, and that He is "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). With this in mind, I hold onto hope that perhaps 2021 will see an end to the pandemic, despite how grim the circumstances look in the present moment.
Maybe I sound crazy to you saying that, considering the case numbers have been going in an upward direction since the start of 2021. But the way I see it is that there's so much time left in this year that it's intriguing and exciting to see what each day is going to hold and what will happen in the world.
2020 was hard, I'll give you that. I won't try to say that it was easy and wonderful and amazing, even though there were good parts to it. There's room to recognize difficulties and accept them. But what's of even more importance is remembering this truth, this reminder that I read in my devotional this morning:
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." (Psalm 46:1-3)
He is in control. Whether there is a global pandemic occurring or not. He is in control. Of everything. There's no need to try and conquer the world and figure everything out. That's not our responsibility. We can take refuge in God and find our strength in Him each day.
Whether 2021 looks similar to 2020 or not. God is in control over it all.
Graduation, Long Distance, + The LORD Determines Our Steps.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Today is day forty-five of quarantine for me here at school. We finished our lectures on Wednesday, had an exam on Thursday, and two assignments due on Friday. Now all that's left is our final paper due at the end of this week, and then graduation is on Saturday!
It's weird and kind of difficult for me to process the end of this school year because it's an ending that's looking different than any other ending I've experienced thus far. Our graduation is going to be a livestream, happening in the house because we can't go anywhere. Our families and friends are going to have to watch us graduate in our living room, from their own living rooms. Weird, right?!
I've finally gotten into the quarantine daily routine, but it's still crazy to me that there is so much uncertainty in the world right now. I have had two appointments get cancelled, and a summer mission trip cancelled... Or modified, I suppose, seeing as we're switching to an online format.
Next week, I head back home to live with my family. I've done the whole living-away-at-Bible-college-and-then-moving-back-home thing before, so that isn't new and different for me. It's the COVID-19, we're all living in a pandemic, and I'm not moving home to go hang out with my friends but rather I'm moving home to sit at home because we're all on lockdown. So it's weird, ya feel?
I hardly even know what the grocery store situations look like, aside from hearing about it from others and reading articles. Rules have been pretty strict for us at the house, for the sake of precaution and keeping all of us safe. I am extremely grateful for how safe and cautious we've been though! None or us have gotten sick in any way which has obviously been such a blessing.
Another crazy change that will be coming for me next week is that my boyfriend will be flying home to his family on the west coast. We've lived together for school over the past eight months, which has allowed for us to get to know each other in close proximity and then obviously, we've been able to spend even more time together during quarantine, with neither of us being able to go to work or anything. I'm imagining that going from seeing each other all the time to not seeing each other at all for the foreseeable future will be a tough transition for the both of us... If anyone out there has gone through a long distance relationship before, we are open to hearing tips about that! This is something I had never envisioned for myself in the past, but it is now my reality and I'm interested in hearing other couples' long distance stories and helpful advice.
It's wild to think that this time a year ago I had finally agreed to attend this one year school program, and at that time I had no idea I'd be ending that school year in self-isolation during a global pandemic, that I'd get laid off, or that I would have a boyfriend. Everything that is going on right now, and the uncertainty of the summer ahead reminds me of Proverbs 16:9 -
It's weird and kind of difficult for me to process the end of this school year because it's an ending that's looking different than any other ending I've experienced thus far. Our graduation is going to be a livestream, happening in the house because we can't go anywhere. Our families and friends are going to have to watch us graduate in our living room, from their own living rooms. Weird, right?!
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| Kissimmee, Florida; March 2020... pre-quarantine. |
Next week, I head back home to live with my family. I've done the whole living-away-at-Bible-college-and-then-moving-back-home thing before, so that isn't new and different for me. It's the COVID-19, we're all living in a pandemic, and I'm not moving home to go hang out with my friends but rather I'm moving home to sit at home because we're all on lockdown. So it's weird, ya feel?
I hardly even know what the grocery store situations look like, aside from hearing about it from others and reading articles. Rules have been pretty strict for us at the house, for the sake of precaution and keeping all of us safe. I am extremely grateful for how safe and cautious we've been though! None or us have gotten sick in any way which has obviously been such a blessing.
Another crazy change that will be coming for me next week is that my boyfriend will be flying home to his family on the west coast. We've lived together for school over the past eight months, which has allowed for us to get to know each other in close proximity and then obviously, we've been able to spend even more time together during quarantine, with neither of us being able to go to work or anything. I'm imagining that going from seeing each other all the time to not seeing each other at all for the foreseeable future will be a tough transition for the both of us... If anyone out there has gone through a long distance relationship before, we are open to hearing tips about that! This is something I had never envisioned for myself in the past, but it is now my reality and I'm interested in hearing other couples' long distance stories and helpful advice.
It's wild to think that this time a year ago I had finally agreed to attend this one year school program, and at that time I had no idea I'd be ending that school year in self-isolation during a global pandemic, that I'd get laid off, or that I would have a boyfriend. Everything that is going on right now, and the uncertainty of the summer ahead reminds me of Proverbs 16:9 -
"We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." (NLT)I've said before that the uncertainty of everything can make me anxious at times, but in light of Proverbs 16:9, I just have to smile and shake my head at how funny it is that we live our lives thinking that we are the ones in control. If that were true, wouldn't we have already known that a global pandemic was on its way? And the constant news releases that the Prime Minister and President and other powers that be are changing statements that they've made, and scientists are discovering new things about Coronavirus all the time further proves just how little control we have! Another passage that reminds me of this is one that we studied in class a couple weeks ago: James 4:13-15...
"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapour that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the LORD wills, we will live and also do this or that."" (NASB)Here's to the next forty-five days of quarantine (because, let's be real, that's how it's looking...), the end of another Bible school experience, the start of long distance, and the continuation of trusting in the LORD's control over all of this.
Safe At Home + Thoughts From Quarantine.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
We are in week three of quarantine at the house. Things have already changed since last week, although many things have stayed the same.
I'm still in the house (as I said), I've eaten too much popcorn, played lots of Sims, gone on numerous walks, done some homework, gotten two other people in the house playing Sims, probably made my bank wonder why in the world I spend so much money ordering Uber Eats, and I've dramatically stared out the window, remembering the glory days when I could actually walk around in the free world.
Okay, not actually. I can say without hesitation that I have been learning a lot during this time of being quarantined in a house with ten other people, even though there are times when this current daily routine can get repetitive and monotonous, and we catch ourselves arguing with each other over useless things.
I saw a post on Instagram over the weekend that caused me to stop and think, and change the way that I've been viewing the whole concept of self-isolation:
I've had to repeatedly and often remind myself that although I am healthy, staying safe and social distancing, and not someone who is in a vulnerable category, the whole point of self-isolating with my housemates is for us to be protecting the health and safety of others. A lot of this COVID-19 pandemic and our response to it have to do with making the choice to be selfless.
Which can be hard.
Perhaps not physically, because I'm sure a lot of us have seen those posts about our grandparents having been called to go to wars and we are being called to sit in our houses. We've got it pretty good!
With that said, being in self-isolation can take a toll both emotionally and mentally, for sure.
It's overwhelming to me, knowing that everyone in the world is being affected by this pandemic. Isn't that just a crazy thought!? Think about that... The whole world. But at the same time, I find some comfort and peace about the future when I realize that COVID-19 is a global thing. I'm not the only person who has had to cancel plans and events recently. I'm not the only person who doesn't know what their summer plans are going to look like now. I'm not the only one who has questions about the upcoming few months.
A few days ago, I was processing Coronavirus and a couple of changes that have taken place in my life over the past week while on a social distancing walk with my boyfriend, and I made a comment to him that was similar to something I wrote in my last post - "Without the faith that I have in God, I wouldn't be able to face these seemingly unending days of social distancing even half as well as I am."
During this time, I can sometimes feel like my moods and thoughts are all over the place even just from one day to the next. I'm grateful to be safe at home and healthy, but I can feel restricted and stuck sometimes, wanting to get out even though I know that the majority of places are closed. I can find myself worrying about the future, or the uncertain duration of this pandemic and social distancing. But I remember also saying to my boyfriend that "I know I would be going even more crazy if I didn't have the Truth of God to stand on, and the knowledge that all of this is in His hands."
I hardly know what I'm trying to say here, because I don't have the answers in all this. And I know that no one else does either, aside from the Lord, and the knowledge that He has isn't mine to know... as much as I wish it was. For us as believers, this pandemic can be a powerful time of stretching and growing our trust in God, patience in His plan, and surrendering our plans while remembering that He is in control.
And that's not easy to do; I think that's what my point is. Even though I know those things are true, I definitely don't have the whole trust, patience, and surrendering thing figured out, and I'm not sure I'll have it down pat by the end of this pandemic either.
I'm still in the house (as I said), I've eaten too much popcorn, played lots of Sims, gone on numerous walks, done some homework, gotten two other people in the house playing Sims, probably made my bank wonder why in the world I spend so much money ordering Uber Eats, and I've dramatically stared out the window, remembering the glory days when I could actually walk around in the free world.
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| sunset views. |
I saw a post on Instagram over the weekend that caused me to stop and think, and change the way that I've been viewing the whole concept of self-isolation:
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| "You are not stuck at home. You are safe at home." |
Which can be hard.
Perhaps not physically, because I'm sure a lot of us have seen those posts about our grandparents having been called to go to wars and we are being called to sit in our houses. We've got it pretty good!
With that said, being in self-isolation can take a toll both emotionally and mentally, for sure.
It's overwhelming to me, knowing that everyone in the world is being affected by this pandemic. Isn't that just a crazy thought!? Think about that... The whole world. But at the same time, I find some comfort and peace about the future when I realize that COVID-19 is a global thing. I'm not the only person who has had to cancel plans and events recently. I'm not the only person who doesn't know what their summer plans are going to look like now. I'm not the only one who has questions about the upcoming few months.
A few days ago, I was processing Coronavirus and a couple of changes that have taken place in my life over the past week while on a social distancing walk with my boyfriend, and I made a comment to him that was similar to something I wrote in my last post - "Without the faith that I have in God, I wouldn't be able to face these seemingly unending days of social distancing even half as well as I am."
During this time, I can sometimes feel like my moods and thoughts are all over the place even just from one day to the next. I'm grateful to be safe at home and healthy, but I can feel restricted and stuck sometimes, wanting to get out even though I know that the majority of places are closed. I can find myself worrying about the future, or the uncertain duration of this pandemic and social distancing. But I remember also saying to my boyfriend that "I know I would be going even more crazy if I didn't have the Truth of God to stand on, and the knowledge that all of this is in His hands."
I hardly know what I'm trying to say here, because I don't have the answers in all this. And I know that no one else does either, aside from the Lord, and the knowledge that He has isn't mine to know... as much as I wish it was. For us as believers, this pandemic can be a powerful time of stretching and growing our trust in God, patience in His plan, and surrendering our plans while remembering that He is in control.
And that's not easy to do; I think that's what my point is. Even though I know those things are true, I definitely don't have the whole trust, patience, and surrendering thing figured out, and I'm not sure I'll have it down pat by the end of this pandemic either.
"...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:3-5
COVID-19: Nothing Is New To Him.
Monday, March 23, 2020
Remember my post in January about resolutions wherein I stated that I planned to publish something twice a month? That really only happened for the month of January, didn't it?😅
None the less, with all of this social distancing that's currently going on, I've found myself with more time on my hands, meaning more time to put out some (hopefully) quality content.
The COVID-19 pandemic has been an interesting time, to say the least. At twenty-three years old, I can say that this is the strangest time I've found myself living through... up to this point in my life, at least. I remember the SARS epidemic of 2003, but not vividly. I remember masks, the acronym SARS, some people dying, the acronym SARS, people coughing, aaand that's about it. C'mon, I was six years old - what do you want from me?
None the less, with all of this social distancing that's currently going on, I've found myself with more time on my hands, meaning more time to put out some (hopefully) quality content.
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| View from the side of the I-95, NC. |
Honestly, this whole pandemic has been kinda tough for me. Don't worry - I'm healthy and safe and very thankful for that, but at the same time, I've had a hard time processing everything surrounding it.
I'm still away from home, living in the house with the students I've been going to school with this year - we'd all already been exposed to each other by the time the pandemic blew up, so if one of us goes down, we'll all go down together. At this point, we've entered into our second week of quarantine/isolation/social distancing.
Honestly, social distancing in and of itself hasn't actually been that bad. And whenever it does seem to feel that bad to me, I remind myself that the majority of coffee shops, stores, malls, businesses, or anything else that I'd be wanting to go out in public for are closed, and people are mostly all social distancing as well. So I am not alone.
What has been the hardest for me throughout COVID-19 is the whole concept of being a Christian during this pandemic. And let me expand on what exactly I mean by that.
The church that I work for - along with many others - have switched from physical services to livestreams for the foreseeable future. Listening to the livestream sermons these past two Sundays have convicted my heart and challenged me. My church's pastors have been talking about how we can be spreading God's love and the Gospel during this time, sharing with others that as followers of Christ, we have an eternal hope in God, and we trust in the Lord, knowing that all of this uncertainty and craziness is in His hands. I feel like I haven't been very good at that.
I know that I can nod in agreement on a Sunday morning, saying amen and amen because I know that I'm a Christian and I'm not questioning my faith in God, but in my heart I've been far more caught up in questions like "How long will we be social distancing for?", "When can I go back to work?", "Will I be able to go home to my family for Easter?" and so on, as opposed to trusting in God's sovereignty throughout this pandemic. While my faith isn't in question, it's the quantity and depth of my trust and reliance on God that has been wavering, here and there.
My church's campus had a leader's meeting via video call last week, and while the pastor was praying at the end of the meeting, he said something that I wrote down and it has stuck with me ever since:
No one.
Except for God. Because nothing is new to Him. And that's what is bringing me comfort through this. That is what's bringing me hope, and keeping me going on this Day Eleven of GCBI North Quarantine/Social Distancing/Isolation. While I agree that it's true that Christians can walk through this pandemic being a light in the darkness to others, I think Christians should also be able to admit that our earthly humanness can sometimes lead us to ask questions, and to feel afraid and uncertain - even in light of our knowledge that God is in control of yesterday, today, tomorrow, Coronavirus, and everything else that is to come in the future.
When I wake up every morning in this pandemic and I am healthy, I thank God and know that without the faith that I have in Him, I wouldn't be able to face these seemingly unending days of social distancing even half as well as I am... And sometimes I can feel like I'm hardly facing them well. But the Lord and His comfort are my strength.
Here are a couple of songs that have been encouraging to me recently:
-The Blessing: Spotify, YouTube (the song starts around 0:50)
-Sparrows and Lilies: Spotify, YouTube
I'm still away from home, living in the house with the students I've been going to school with this year - we'd all already been exposed to each other by the time the pandemic blew up, so if one of us goes down, we'll all go down together. At this point, we've entered into our second week of quarantine/isolation/social distancing.
Honestly, social distancing in and of itself hasn't actually been that bad. And whenever it does seem to feel that bad to me, I remind myself that the majority of coffee shops, stores, malls, businesses, or anything else that I'd be wanting to go out in public for are closed, and people are mostly all social distancing as well. So I am not alone.
What has been the hardest for me throughout COVID-19 is the whole concept of being a Christian during this pandemic. And let me expand on what exactly I mean by that.
The church that I work for - along with many others - have switched from physical services to livestreams for the foreseeable future. Listening to the livestream sermons these past two Sundays have convicted my heart and challenged me. My church's pastors have been talking about how we can be spreading God's love and the Gospel during this time, sharing with others that as followers of Christ, we have an eternal hope in God, and we trust in the Lord, knowing that all of this uncertainty and craziness is in His hands. I feel like I haven't been very good at that.
I know that I can nod in agreement on a Sunday morning, saying amen and amen because I know that I'm a Christian and I'm not questioning my faith in God, but in my heart I've been far more caught up in questions like "How long will we be social distancing for?", "When can I go back to work?", "Will I be able to go home to my family for Easter?" and so on, as opposed to trusting in God's sovereignty throughout this pandemic. While my faith isn't in question, it's the quantity and depth of my trust and reliance on God that has been wavering, here and there.
My church's campus had a leader's meeting via video call last week, and while the pastor was praying at the end of the meeting, he said something that I wrote down and it has stuck with me ever since:
"While this is new to us, nothing is new to God."Within the past few weeks, I've heard different people say countless times that they have absolutely zero experience with living life through a pandemic. Saaame. Which is why I've said that at twenty-three years old, this has to be the strangest time I've found myself living through. I love to plan things, but I can't right now.🤪 All I know is that I am required to stay in this house for the "foreseeable future", whatever that's supposed to mean, and however long that's supposed to be - who knows?
No one.
Except for God. Because nothing is new to Him. And that's what is bringing me comfort through this. That is what's bringing me hope, and keeping me going on this Day Eleven of GCBI North Quarantine/Social Distancing/Isolation. While I agree that it's true that Christians can walk through this pandemic being a light in the darkness to others, I think Christians should also be able to admit that our earthly humanness can sometimes lead us to ask questions, and to feel afraid and uncertain - even in light of our knowledge that God is in control of yesterday, today, tomorrow, Coronavirus, and everything else that is to come in the future.
When I wake up every morning in this pandemic and I am healthy, I thank God and know that without the faith that I have in Him, I wouldn't be able to face these seemingly unending days of social distancing even half as well as I am... And sometimes I can feel like I'm hardly facing them well. But the Lord and His comfort are my strength.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our LORD Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer... For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again." {2 Corinthians 1:3-6, 8b-10}
Here are a couple of songs that have been encouraging to me recently:
-The Blessing: Spotify, YouTube (the song starts around 0:50)
-Sparrows and Lilies: Spotify, YouTube
One Year - All Sunshine + Daisies Part 2.
Friday, January 31, 2020
A year ago this morning I was sitting alone in a booth at Coras Restaurant, drinking coffee alone with my resume and anxieties, and waiting for two pastors to show up to interview me - both of whom were late because of traffic on the 401, and one of whom I didn't know and wasn't sure what I'd do if he arrived before the pastor I did know, seeing as I wouldn't recognize him.
With my luck, the pastor I didn't know at that time was the one who arrived first, but luckily the restaurant host was able to help him determine that the person he was looking for was very likely the young lady sitting by herself in a booth drinking mediocre coffee, looking anxious and unsure, and waiting for people to arrive before ordering.
That meeting on January 31st, 2019 ended with me getting a job as a worship leader.
What a year it has been!
I also wrote in that post that the pastor's wife told me that I'd need to find something good in every situation or else I'd never be content. That is also still true. It's a great reminder to me that I need to find my joy, satisfaction, and contentment in the Lord and not in my passion or my job.
This past year has been crazy and different for me in many different ways but the Lord has remained evermore the same and has been faithful through it all. It's true that I never know what tomorrow will bring and how long I'll be doing this job, but right now I love where I am and what I'm doing; I love my new church family, and I'm so grateful for what this past year has taught me, how I've grown and changed and developed in my skills, leadership, and ministry. I can't wait to see what these next 365 will bring!
With my luck, the pastor I didn't know at that time was the one who arrived first, but luckily the restaurant host was able to help him determine that the person he was looking for was very likely the young lady sitting by herself in a booth drinking mediocre coffee, looking anxious and unsure, and waiting for people to arrive before ordering.
That meeting on January 31st, 2019 ended with me getting a job as a worship leader.
What a year it has been!
At the time I got hired, I wasn't really sure what the next week would look like, let alone a year from that day. Although I'd studied for four years for a degree that prepared me to become a worship leader, I suddenly felt intimidated and like I'd never learned a thing. Throwing me into a new church setting after having grown up at the same church for my whole life, and having to meet a whole congregation of people (four congregations, technically🤪) left me feeling small and insecure and underprepared.
I've grown a lot over the past 365 days, but haven't we all? Sometimes I can find myself feeling like I've worked at this church for five years, and other times it feels like only five weeks.
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| source: Micheile Henderson; unsplash.com |
Halfway through February of last year, I wrote a post announcing that I'd gotten this job. Looking back at that now, I see that I shared a quote which I actually forgot all about until I reread it just now:
"'Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life' is possibly the worst platitude. Work is tough whether you love it or not. Do not quit your paying job to pursue your passion if you think it's going to be no work and all sunshine and daisies."I'd say that that quote still rings true. I mean, my passion is my paying job which is something I'm super thankful for everyday, but my point when sharing that quote last year was that sometimes my job can feel just like that - a job. It's still my passion for sure, one hundred percent, but some days I can feel like I'm simply going through the motions of scheduling people, choosing songs, and so on.
I also wrote in that post that the pastor's wife told me that I'd need to find something good in every situation or else I'd never be content. That is also still true. It's a great reminder to me that I need to find my joy, satisfaction, and contentment in the Lord and not in my passion or my job.
This past year has been crazy and different for me in many different ways but the Lord has remained evermore the same and has been faithful through it all. It's true that I never know what tomorrow will bring and how long I'll be doing this job, but right now I love where I am and what I'm doing; I love my new church family, and I'm so grateful for what this past year has taught me, how I've grown and changed and developed in my skills, leadership, and ministry. I can't wait to see what these next 365 will bring!
The Common Rule, + Living in Failure.
Friday, November 29, 2019
The young adults group I'm a part of just finished studying through a book together called The Common Rule: Habits of Purpose for an Age of Distraction (feel free to click here for more information on the book).
Now, I've written enough book reviews and book reports to easily turn this post into one, but I don't particularly feel like doing that. What I do feel like doing is attempt to convince you to read this book too.
And how will I go about that, you might ask? Good question.
I shall start by telling you that I know habits are hard! Well, creating and maintaining them, that is. I think we all know that breaking a habit is pretty simple.
It was tough working through all of these habits this semester. I'll admit that I didn't succeed at all of them, but I did at least attempt each one. It was helpful, however, knowing that I was struggling through these challenges along with other people.
You also might be curious to know which of the habits I struggled with the most. When it came to the daily habits, I struggled the most with turning off my phone for an hour every day; with the weekly habits, I would say that I (surprisingly) struggled with one hour of conversation with a friend, and potentially Sabbath - I don't know yet because that's the habit we're practicing this week, and I have done that one before (read about it here).
In terms of turning my phone off for an hour every day, it was more of a mental struggle as opposed to a physical one. Legitimately powering my phone off was easy; it was the thought of "What will I miss while my phone isn't on for a whole sixty minutes?" that got to me. It's kind of ridiculous how attached we all are to our phones, our social media, our notifications, and it was even more ridiculous how worried I felt about potentially missing those notifications. It was almost as though I lowkey felt like the world was going to fall out of orbit, or a close friend or family member would die during that hour and I wouldn't be able to hear about it immediately because my phone was off. For sixty minutes.
It was bad.
When it came to having on hour of conversation with a friend once a week, I think we all know that I don't really struggle when it comes to talking 🤪, but the whole point of the habit was to have an intentional conversation with someone once a week, which I'm not sure I do in general, not just the week when we practiced that habit. I know I talk with people a lot, but I can't often recall how many of my conversations are intentional and go deeper than surface level.
Like I said before, I definitely did not succeed at all the habits as we studied through the book as a group. And when reading the epilogue the other night, the author shared about a day wherein he was failing at practicing the habits in his own book! And that day he was supposed to send out an email to some people he was leading in a study through The Common Rule. Since he was having a hard time that morning, he shares,
That's why I was so impacted by Earley stating that failure is where we live.
As a result of the Fall back in Genesis 3, we are living a life of constant striving - striving to be better, to be less sinful, to be more like Jesus, to be this or that. There's always room to improve, areas where we think we can or should be better.
For me, hearing out loud that "failure is where we live" was extremely comforting to me. It doesn't make me want to stop improving or trying my best, but it does make me feel like some of the pressure has been removed in terms of my need to put my best foot forward and put up a façade of constantly living my best life.
While there's always room for improvement, there is also grace to embrace where we are now and accept that we will inevitably fail at times. But we can always get back up and keep going.
Now, I've written enough book reviews and book reports to easily turn this post into one, but I don't particularly feel like doing that. What I do feel like doing is attempt to convince you to read this book too.
And how will I go about that, you might ask? Good question.
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| Kneeling in prayer as a group. 🙏🏼 |
On Wednesday night as we read through the final chapter and the epilogue of the book, someone mentioned that they found the epilogue to be almost more impacting than the rest of the book had been. Something that the author, Justin Whitmel Earley, writes in the epilogue - and emphasizes throughout the whole book is that,
"The kind of habits worth cultivating [are] little habits of love, not carried out for success, not carried out to prove who you are, but cultivated because of a longing to love God and neighbour." (p 167)The habits in The Common Rule are broken down into two sections: daily habits and weekly habits. The daily habits are: kneeling prayer, one meal with others, one hour with phone off, and Scripture before phone. The weekly habits are: one hour of conversation with a friend, curate media to four hours*, fast from something for twenty-four hours, and Sabbath. (*it turns out the four in "four hours" is arbitrary, much to all of our relief.)
It was tough working through all of these habits this semester. I'll admit that I didn't succeed at all of them, but I did at least attempt each one. It was helpful, however, knowing that I was struggling through these challenges along with other people.
You also might be curious to know which of the habits I struggled with the most. When it came to the daily habits, I struggled the most with turning off my phone for an hour every day; with the weekly habits, I would say that I (surprisingly) struggled with one hour of conversation with a friend, and potentially Sabbath - I don't know yet because that's the habit we're practicing this week, and I have done that one before (read about it here).
In terms of turning my phone off for an hour every day, it was more of a mental struggle as opposed to a physical one. Legitimately powering my phone off was easy; it was the thought of "What will I miss while my phone isn't on for a whole sixty minutes?" that got to me. It's kind of ridiculous how attached we all are to our phones, our social media, our notifications, and it was even more ridiculous how worried I felt about potentially missing those notifications. It was almost as though I lowkey felt like the world was going to fall out of orbit, or a close friend or family member would die during that hour and I wouldn't be able to hear about it immediately because my phone was off. For sixty minutes.
It was bad.
When it came to having on hour of conversation with a friend once a week, I think we all know that I don't really struggle when it comes to talking 🤪, but the whole point of the habit was to have an intentional conversation with someone once a week, which I'm not sure I do in general, not just the week when we practiced that habit. I know I talk with people a lot, but I can't often recall how many of my conversations are intentional and go deeper than surface level.
Like I said before, I definitely did not succeed at all the habits as we studied through the book as a group. And when reading the epilogue the other night, the author shared about a day wherein he was failing at practicing the habits in his own book! And that day he was supposed to send out an email to some people he was leading in a study through The Common Rule. Since he was having a hard time that morning, he shares,
"I did write my email that morning. I wrote it one-handed, on my phone, on the porch while holding [my son]. It began with this: "I woke this morning feeling like a failure and a fraud."" (p 162)How did that go over with the group he was leading? He continues,
"No other email I've sent has brought in so many grateful responses. Apparently nothing else I ever said about the Common Rule habits was as helpful as talking about failure - because failure is where we live." (p 162)That last phrase jumped right out at me as we read aloud through the epilogue as a group on Wednesday night. We do live in failure. All the time. Every day. But we try to act as though we don't. Or at least I do. I've joked with people recently about how I've mastered the art of putting on a façade. I always want people to think I'm thriving and doing well and have everything together. And honestly, I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to live that way day by day. We always want to be living our best life, right? And putting our best foot forward.
That's why I was so impacted by Earley stating that failure is where we live.
As a result of the Fall back in Genesis 3, we are living a life of constant striving - striving to be better, to be less sinful, to be more like Jesus, to be this or that. There's always room to improve, areas where we think we can or should be better.
For me, hearing out loud that "failure is where we live" was extremely comforting to me. It doesn't make me want to stop improving or trying my best, but it does make me feel like some of the pressure has been removed in terms of my need to put my best foot forward and put up a façade of constantly living my best life.
While there's always room for improvement, there is also grace to embrace where we are now and accept that we will inevitably fail at times. But we can always get back up and keep going.
One Month: Lessons, Faith Questions, + Incident Reports.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Last year, almost around this time but not quite, I was writing a one month blog post for my time in Montréal.
As of yesterday, I've been living in a house with nine other students (and two Residence Directors) for a month.
This first month being back at school has been quite different than my first month in Montréal was, but as it turns out, there are still some similarities. I re-read my one month in Montréal post and in that, I shared five lessons that I had learned during my first 30 days.
This time around, I've once again recognized that transitions are rough, you need to have people in your corner, and everything will be different, and that's okay.
These lessons are all less in-your-face (or my face, rather) than they seemed to be last year, because I'm living in my home province this time - only one hour away from home, and I'm pretty used to the "being in school" vibes from prior years of life.
It's been great being back in the classroom, actually; I've realized I missed it more than I ever imagined I would. Today we finished studying through Genesis, and I've been learning so much! I mean, I learned a lot throughout my undergrad, but that was a whole different ball game because I was taking general studies courses, theology courses, and music courses. The program I'm in now is completely different because we're spending the whole year studying through the Bible, and that's it. No music courses, philosophy, hermeneutics, ethics, or anything like that.
During my undergrad studies I was in a different mindset faith-wise as well. I was in a place, mentally, where I was simply taking in everything that I was learning. In my program this year, my headspace is more inquisitive and thoughtful; on the first day of class I almost had a crisis of faith while we were talking about whether the Bible should be taken at face value or metaphorically. It was actually pretty cool; I was happy with myself for really thinking about the things I'm learning instead of immediately accepting everything that I'm being told.
Over the past two weeks, another lesson I've been learning is about bruises. How big they can be, how dark purple they can turn, and how long they last. This lesson has been less fun.
I've been called both "Bruiser", and "A Walking Incident Report" over the past 72 hours. I now have a fear of wooden staircases, doors, and the wind. Be glad you're not me. 🙃 Orrrrr just send a giant roll of bubble wrap my way asap, please and thank you.
My most recent incident report-worthy escapade happened almost 24 hours ago now. Fun fact: I actually intended to write my one month post yesterday, but spent my evening in the ER instead. Here's the story, because it's pretty iconic actually:
One of the assignments we have for school is to memorize a small section of Scripture each month, so yesterday I'd set a reminder for 5:00pm to remind me to work on memorizing that. I decided I'd go outside on the front porch to work on that task, so I grabbed my sheet of paper and the iced coffee I'd made and went to go outside. The thing is, someone in the house had opened up the screen door in the back, and it was a pretty windy day. So when I opened the front door as well, the house essentially turned into a wind tunnel and as I reached back to close the door, the wind whipped it closed on my fingers.
'All I wanted to do was memorize a Bible passage!!!' is what I thought to myself as I sat on the front porch, trying to get a grip before re-entering the house to find a driver who could take me to the hospital. After all that, I ended up memorizing half of the passage while waiting to get x-rays done in emerge, so I guess that's good...??
Last week I fell down the stairs by the way, hence the "Walking Incident Report" nickname. But that all seems like a distant memory now in light of more recent events.
Aaall in all, month one has been quite memorable. It's had its ups and downs as you can obviously tell but, in the grand scheme of things, isn't life just one big ol' rollercoaster of ups and downs? Tell me I'm wrong... Except don't actually.
Like I said in my Montréal one month post when talking about how different you realize everything becomes in a new phase of life:
As of yesterday, I've been living in a house with nine other students (and two Residence Directors) for a month.
This first month being back at school has been quite different than my first month in Montréal was, but as it turns out, there are still some similarities. I re-read my one month in Montréal post and in that, I shared five lessons that I had learned during my first 30 days.
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| backyard cotton candy sky viewsss. |
These lessons are all less in-your-face (or my face, rather) than they seemed to be last year, because I'm living in my home province this time - only one hour away from home, and I'm pretty used to the "being in school" vibes from prior years of life.
It's been great being back in the classroom, actually; I've realized I missed it more than I ever imagined I would. Today we finished studying through Genesis, and I've been learning so much! I mean, I learned a lot throughout my undergrad, but that was a whole different ball game because I was taking general studies courses, theology courses, and music courses. The program I'm in now is completely different because we're spending the whole year studying through the Bible, and that's it. No music courses, philosophy, hermeneutics, ethics, or anything like that.
During my undergrad studies I was in a different mindset faith-wise as well. I was in a place, mentally, where I was simply taking in everything that I was learning. In my program this year, my headspace is more inquisitive and thoughtful; on the first day of class I almost had a crisis of faith while we were talking about whether the Bible should be taken at face value or metaphorically. It was actually pretty cool; I was happy with myself for really thinking about the things I'm learning instead of immediately accepting everything that I'm being told.
Over the past two weeks, another lesson I've been learning is about bruises. How big they can be, how dark purple they can turn, and how long they last. This lesson has been less fun.
I've been called both "Bruiser", and "A Walking Incident Report" over the past 72 hours. I now have a fear of wooden staircases, doors, and the wind. Be glad you're not me. 🙃 Orrrrr just send a giant roll of bubble wrap my way asap, please and thank you.
My most recent incident report-worthy escapade happened almost 24 hours ago now. Fun fact: I actually intended to write my one month post yesterday, but spent my evening in the ER instead. Here's the story, because it's pretty iconic actually:
One of the assignments we have for school is to memorize a small section of Scripture each month, so yesterday I'd set a reminder for 5:00pm to remind me to work on memorizing that. I decided I'd go outside on the front porch to work on that task, so I grabbed my sheet of paper and the iced coffee I'd made and went to go outside. The thing is, someone in the house had opened up the screen door in the back, and it was a pretty windy day. So when I opened the front door as well, the house essentially turned into a wind tunnel and as I reached back to close the door, the wind whipped it closed on my fingers.
'All I wanted to do was memorize a Bible passage!!!' is what I thought to myself as I sat on the front porch, trying to get a grip before re-entering the house to find a driver who could take me to the hospital. After all that, I ended up memorizing half of the passage while waiting to get x-rays done in emerge, so I guess that's good...??
Last week I fell down the stairs by the way, hence the "Walking Incident Report" nickname. But that all seems like a distant memory now in light of more recent events.
Aaall in all, month one has been quite memorable. It's had its ups and downs as you can obviously tell but, in the grand scheme of things, isn't life just one big ol' rollercoaster of ups and downs? Tell me I'm wrong... Except don't actually.
Like I said in my Montréal one month post when talking about how different you realize everything becomes in a new phase of life:
"Sometimes the "different-ness" of it all will feel like a lot. It will feel like it's consuming you. But it will be okay. Because while everything is different, you can rest assured that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), and it's that truth that will hold you up during the uncertainties of the "different-ness"."
Name Tags, Crafts, + A Lesson On Love: Manitoulin 2019.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
2019 is a year of "everything is different" for me.
But amidst that, some things remain the same.
God, obviously, and apparently also Manitoulin Island.
This past week, I embarked on a trip up to the Island (for my seventh year) with a team from the church I grew up in, to run a week-long day camp on a Native reserve. And since starting my blog in 2015, I've come home from the Island and written about it. This year is no different.
Many things have changed for me this year, as I've noted in previous blog posts throughout 2019 - getting a new job, leaving the church I grew up in, going back to school in the fall, chopping my hair off. Y'know.
However, in the thick of it all, I found myself breathing a sigh of relief this past week upon returning to the beautiful island of Manitoulin - leading music for, and being a small group leader at the day camp. The natural beauty of creation that is evident on the Island was the same, and while there were different people on the team, and numerous new kids at the day camp as well, something felt so normal and the same about the mission trip as a whole.
Sometimes I need that. I think we all do.
It can be overwhelming to get a new job, leave the church I grew up in, go back to school in the fall, and chop my hair off. Feeling overwhelmed by those things isn't necessarily negative, either. I am/was excited about all of them. But I was/am/can be overwhelmed, none the less.
It was nice to return to something that has always somehow remained the same every year, no matter how different it actually is.
Does that make sense? I hope so. I'm saying that I know that the Island, our team members, the day camp, and the kids change every year, but in my mind, it still feels the same. 😌
Consistent.
I learned a lot this week about being flexible, not worrying about things that didn't go as planned, winging it sometimes, and love.
I prayed a lot throughout the week that God would show me how to love the kids well, and at our debrief meeting on Friday night, I shared with the team that I'm not sure how well I did with that. Which isn't the point, really. The point in my anecdote to the team was that it seemed God wanted to show me love through the kids... one girl, specifically.
She was in my small group last year - we're the blue group - and this year she arrived and asked if she could be in the blue group again. Turns out she was hoping to have me as her leader again this year, which she did. #blueteamisthebestteam 💙
This girl went up to one of our team leaders on Monday morning and asked, "Did Beth come this year?" Of course the lady from the team had no clue who she was talking about, seeing as no one else in my life has ever called me Beth, but later that day the lady from our team heard this girl call me Beth and saw me respond to it, and realized that girl arrived at camp and had been asking about me.
We all wear name tags, leaders and kids alike, and at the end of the week, the kids like to ask the leaders if they can swap name tags with us. This girl and I had switched name tags last year, and she told me proudly this past week, "I still have your name tag from last year! It's on my mirror and I think about you every day when I see it." Be still my heart!! Aaand I was a little embarrassed, remembering that her name tag is in a memory box in my closet, but I'm determined to dig it out of there and put it on my mirror, alongside her name tag from this year, because obviously we swapped again.
She also loved to include me in her crafts. For example, on Thursday the kids were decorating memory verse booklets, and on the cover of hers, she writes, "My best friend is Elizabeth" - tracing my name tag, writing my name how I'd written it (the "z" in cursive - looking like a 3, as everyone tells me), and colouring it in in blue. Because we've established that blue team is the best team, remember.
But amidst that, some things remain the same.
God, obviously, and apparently also Manitoulin Island.
This past week, I embarked on a trip up to the Island (for my seventh year) with a team from the church I grew up in, to run a week-long day camp on a Native reserve. And since starting my blog in 2015, I've come home from the Island and written about it. This year is no different.
However, in the thick of it all, I found myself breathing a sigh of relief this past week upon returning to the beautiful island of Manitoulin - leading music for, and being a small group leader at the day camp. The natural beauty of creation that is evident on the Island was the same, and while there were different people on the team, and numerous new kids at the day camp as well, something felt so normal and the same about the mission trip as a whole.
Sometimes I need that. I think we all do.
It can be overwhelming to get a new job, leave the church I grew up in, go back to school in the fall, and chop my hair off. Feeling overwhelmed by those things isn't necessarily negative, either. I am/was excited about all of them. But I was/am/can be overwhelmed, none the less.
It was nice to return to something that has always somehow remained the same every year, no matter how different it actually is.
Does that make sense? I hope so. I'm saying that I know that the Island, our team members, the day camp, and the kids change every year, but in my mind, it still feels the same. 😌
Consistent.
I learned a lot this week about being flexible, not worrying about things that didn't go as planned, winging it sometimes, and love.
I prayed a lot throughout the week that God would show me how to love the kids well, and at our debrief meeting on Friday night, I shared with the team that I'm not sure how well I did with that. Which isn't the point, really. The point in my anecdote to the team was that it seemed God wanted to show me love through the kids... one girl, specifically.
She was in my small group last year - we're the blue group - and this year she arrived and asked if she could be in the blue group again. Turns out she was hoping to have me as her leader again this year, which she did. #blueteamisthebestteam 💙
This girl went up to one of our team leaders on Monday morning and asked, "Did Beth come this year?" Of course the lady from the team had no clue who she was talking about, seeing as no one else in my life has ever called me Beth, but later that day the lady from our team heard this girl call me Beth and saw me respond to it, and realized that girl arrived at camp and had been asking about me.
We all wear name tags, leaders and kids alike, and at the end of the week, the kids like to ask the leaders if they can swap name tags with us. This girl and I had switched name tags last year, and she told me proudly this past week, "I still have your name tag from last year! It's on my mirror and I think about you every day when I see it." Be still my heart!! Aaand I was a little embarrassed, remembering that her name tag is in a memory box in my closet, but I'm determined to dig it out of there and put it on my mirror, alongside her name tag from this year, because obviously we swapped again.
She also loved to include me in her crafts. For example, on Thursday the kids were decorating memory verse booklets, and on the cover of hers, she writes, "My best friend is Elizabeth" - tracing my name tag, writing my name how I'd written it (the "z" in cursive - looking like a 3, as everyone tells me), and colouring it in in blue. Because we've established that blue team is the best team, remember.
To this little girl, it doesn't matter that she's thirteen years younger than me. It doesn't matter that I only see her once a year. She makes the most of it. I was pretty torn up and emotional to say goodbye to her on Friday for another year, and I'm pretty sentimental so it was a liiiittle bit annoying how easy it was for her to hop on her bike, call, "See you next year, Beth!" and bike away after camp ended for the week.
But the thing is, this ten year-old has made such an impact on my heart. She showed me love, unconditionally, all week long. She'd be playing games with the other kids outside and when she'd see me, she'd abandon the group game, come over and tell me, "I just want to hang out with you", and we'd toss a ball back and forth and laugh when neither of us could catch it.
I may only see this girl for five days out of every 365, but I'll remember her until I see her again. In approximately 363 days. That's more exact than approximate... I suppose I mean tentatively 363 days. But that ain't the point.
I want to love other people how this sweet little girl loved me. I hardly know her story, she hardly knows mine, but in her eyes we are best friends and she thinks about me often, keeping my name tag in a visible place in her room. She went home on Thursday afternoon, telling me she's going to make me a present and bring it the next day. She brought me three drawings, one of them a picture of the two of us with the words "best friends" above it, of course.
Being on Manitoulin Island is always so good for my soul, and really reorients my heart towards God. Grateful for time spent serving the Lord with friends from the church I grew up in. Thankful for how much I learned about Him this week through the simple love and kindness of one little girl in my small group.
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:12
I've Been A Grumpy Guy.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Do you ever feel like you've got so much on the go that you hardly have time to breathe? Like you'd be able to get everything done if every day had thirty-six hours instead of twenty-four?
That's how I've felt for the past month.
On May 21st, I started a full-time job in addition to my part-time worship leading position. Granted, this full-time job is only going to last about ten weeks... (I know I've told some people eight, but with the time I've had to take off for my church job, and the mission trip I'm going on in a couple weeks, some time has gotten added on.)
Today is the first day since May 21st that I've had absolutely no plans. And that's not an exaggeration. Aaand I'm not proud of it. I know our culture today is like "If you're not busy, you're doing it wrong!" But that's crazy. Rest is so important.
That's how I've felt for the past month.
On May 21st, I started a full-time job in addition to my part-time worship leading position. Granted, this full-time job is only going to last about ten weeks... (I know I've told some people eight, but with the time I've had to take off for my church job, and the mission trip I'm going on in a couple weeks, some time has gotten added on.)
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| Rattlesnake Point, Milton. |
This past week I've really been feeling the "this is the first day since starting my full-time job that I've had absolutely no plans." Actually that's a lie. Kinda. I do have one plan for today - getting fast food for lunch with my mom, aunt, and grandpa. Gon be lit. 🍔🔥
Anywho, I was pretty grouchy all week... Just ask the pastor I work with and his wife. They gave me a cookie at 7:15am on Thursday to temporarily make me feel better, because I was being a grumpy guy. And the pastor's wife told me not to talk on the car ride to the church office and just listen to worship music. 🤪 Like I said, Grumpy. Guy. Not one of my finer moments, but we're keepin it real.
And I actually was supposed to have plans today - bigger plans than fast food, that is. My church was going to be part of a softball tournament and I'd agreed to help babysit kids while their parents played softball. For nine hours. On Thursday the tournament got cancelled because not enough teams had signed up to play. Honestly, I was relieved. I love the folks from my church, and I love their lil kiddos, but I've been going going going since May 21st. Monday to Friday I work my full-time job, and then Saturday and Sunday are dedicated to my worship leading job.
The point of this post is not that I'm trying to complain about being busy and grumpy, nor am I attempting to publicly pat myself on the back for all the work I'm doing. I'd prefer to have time to rest! Rest is so important. It keeps me from being a grumpy guy and lashing out at people I love because I haven't had enough sleep and/or coffee and/or time to relax and recharge.
I was relieved when the softball tournament got cancelled because I'd honestly forgotten that I'd committed to babysit all day, until I got a text earlier this week asking if I was still available to do that. Just when I'd been getting so excited about my free Saturday because I'd forgotten to put the tourney in my calendar... Whoops. But when the event got cancelled, I really felt like God was telling me to rest and slow down for a day.
He is in the details y'all. He sees us, and He knows our life situations. And while life doesn't stop, we have to find time to stop. Rest is so crucial.
Even in the times when I'm being a grumpy guy, I've been reminded so much recently of how important it is to abide in the constant nature of God. He is so faithful and dependable when we feel so exhausted and spread thin. Joy comes from the Lord, no matter our circumstances. And I'll admit that I haven't felt very joyful - if at all - this past week. And that's okay! There will be seasons like that, but it's important within those seasons to remember God's truths, and keep our eyes fixed on His love, peace, presence, and His fullness when we feel like we're lacking so much.
He is steady, constant, and ready to sustain us always.
"I have become clear about at least one thing: self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch." -Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader
I'm Going Back To School?
Thursday, May 16, 2019
When I graduated from Bible college on April 28th, 2018, I remember saying to myself "I'm never going back to school." But y'know what they say, right?
Never say never. *cue Justin Bieber*
So yeah. I'm here, eating my words. It's fine.
Sometimes God leads in ways that we don't expect or intend. Ways that we may not be the most excited about... at first.
Before anyone gets too up in arms about the fact that I didn't tell them, there are literally only eight people who know - my parents, my brother, the pastor I work with, the director of the school, the youth pastor of the church I work at, my best friend, and one of the guys I'm going to be going to school with. This blog post is pretty much my announcement to the rest of the world so that I don't have to text, email, facebook message, or instagram dm everyone.
Let me tell you a little story.
In early April... or maybe it was late March? I'm not sure. Anyway, at some point semi-recently, the pastor I work with was telling me about this one year Bible school experience that our church is launching as an extension/second campus of this same school in Sebring, Florida - Great Commission Bible Institute aka GCBI. He mentioned in passing that it would be a great opportunity for me, but I kinda just laughed and brushed it off. He had just brought it up to me spontaneously and in passing, right? He didn't actually think I'd do it... right?
WRONG, GIRL.
Before we go any further, yes, I know I've already done four years of Bible college. But this school is different because it's solely the studying and breaking down of the Bible. The only textbook we'll be using for eight months is the Bible. Which is SO COOL. In addition to that, when I was studying for my Bachelor's Degree, I was taking half theology/Bible/general courses, and the other half were music courses. This time there'll be no music or theology or general classes, just the Bible. And if you need any more convincing or are questioning me, can I (or any of us) ever say in this lifetime that we've learned all we need to about the Bible?
"Oh yeah, I went to Bible college for four years. I know everything about the Bible. There's no need to learn aaanything else."
Pshhh. Y'all. Please. 🙄🙅🏼♀️
Anyway, enough unnecessary defending of myself and my life decisions. Back to the story.
The next thing I knew, I was going to a meeting with the director of this school (who also happens to be someone I work with at the church, so it was chill), and got all of the information about this one year Bible program and what it would entail. I needed to give my decision by April 30th.
On April 26th, I said that I wouldn't be going.
I wrote up an eloquent email, giving all these smart-sounding, well thought through reasons as to why I decided against this opportunity.
Those were lies. Well... kind of. They were slight stretches of the truth, maybe. Or rather, micro reasons for my saying no.
The macro reason I turned down this opportunity is because I'm selfish. And that's the point of this post really. That, and announcing that I'm going back to school.
I spent four years away from home at Bible college. Then I spent four months away from home in another province. Now I've been home for five months and I'm getting comfortable with my life at home, my new job, being close to my friends, and building my new community with people I go to church with. I didn't want to shake things up again.
I got a phone call last Thursday from the director of the school, who's also the executive pastor for the church I work at (like I said before, "someone I work with at the church"). He never calls me, so I've since admitted to him that for half a second I thought I was about to get fired. 🤪
He talked to me about how God has really placed me on his heart, and he's been trying to figure out ways to make this work for me so that I'll come to this school and take on this opportunity.
Long story short, on Tuesday I made my decision to take on this one year Bible school experience, and yesterday I sent in my application.
Throughout this whole roller coaster, while praying, talking with my family, journalling and processing whether or not to do this, I've been reminded that God is far more interested in my spiritual growth and holiness than He is in how comfortable I am.
So here's to a new adventure! Here's to surrendering my selfishness and trusting God's calling and leadership in my life. I'll keep you all updated, y'know, like I do. 😉
Never say never. *cue Justin Bieber*
So yeah. I'm here, eating my words. It's fine.
Sometimes God leads in ways that we don't expect or intend. Ways that we may not be the most excited about... at first.
Before anyone gets too up in arms about the fact that I didn't tell them, there are literally only eight people who know - my parents, my brother, the pastor I work with, the director of the school, the youth pastor of the church I work at, my best friend, and one of the guys I'm going to be going to school with. This blog post is pretty much my announcement to the rest of the world so that I don't have to text, email, facebook message, or instagram dm everyone.
Let me tell you a little story.
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| Source: Nathan Dumlao; unsplash.com Acacia Kersey Presets - Shine |
WRONG, GIRL.
Before we go any further, yes, I know I've already done four years of Bible college. But this school is different because it's solely the studying and breaking down of the Bible. The only textbook we'll be using for eight months is the Bible. Which is SO COOL. In addition to that, when I was studying for my Bachelor's Degree, I was taking half theology/Bible/general courses, and the other half were music courses. This time there'll be no music or theology or general classes, just the Bible. And if you need any more convincing or are questioning me, can I (or any of us) ever say in this lifetime that we've learned all we need to about the Bible?
"Oh yeah, I went to Bible college for four years. I know everything about the Bible. There's no need to learn aaanything else."
Pshhh. Y'all. Please. 🙄🙅🏼♀️
Anyway, enough unnecessary defending of myself and my life decisions. Back to the story.
The next thing I knew, I was going to a meeting with the director of this school (who also happens to be someone I work with at the church, so it was chill), and got all of the information about this one year Bible program and what it would entail. I needed to give my decision by April 30th.
On April 26th, I said that I wouldn't be going.
I wrote up an eloquent email, giving all these smart-sounding, well thought through reasons as to why I decided against this opportunity.
Those were lies. Well... kind of. They were slight stretches of the truth, maybe. Or rather, micro reasons for my saying no.
The macro reason I turned down this opportunity is because I'm selfish. And that's the point of this post really. That, and announcing that I'm going back to school.
I spent four years away from home at Bible college. Then I spent four months away from home in another province. Now I've been home for five months and I'm getting comfortable with my life at home, my new job, being close to my friends, and building my new community with people I go to church with. I didn't want to shake things up again.
I got a phone call last Thursday from the director of the school, who's also the executive pastor for the church I work at (like I said before, "someone I work with at the church"). He never calls me, so I've since admitted to him that for half a second I thought I was about to get fired. 🤪
He talked to me about how God has really placed me on his heart, and he's been trying to figure out ways to make this work for me so that I'll come to this school and take on this opportunity.
Long story short, on Tuesday I made my decision to take on this one year Bible school experience, and yesterday I sent in my application.
Throughout this whole roller coaster, while praying, talking with my family, journalling and processing whether or not to do this, I've been reminded that God is far more interested in my spiritual growth and holiness than He is in how comfortable I am.
So here's to a new adventure! Here's to surrendering my selfishness and trusting God's calling and leadership in my life. I'll keep you all updated, y'know, like I do. 😉
All Sunshine + Daisies.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Remember when I blogged about not officially having a job yet, so I didn't want to say too much or speak too soon? Well, I have a job now, so I'm here to say too much. Or just enough. Who can say, really?
As of January 31st, I became the worship leader of a new church plant in my area. I've felt called to be a worship leader since halfway through the first year of my Bachelor's degree. Or I guess, at that time, I was only in a one year worship leader certificate, and then I switched into the degree because I felt called to be a worship leader.
But I've gotta say somethin.
It's not as glamorous or soul-fulfilling as I thought it would be.
But it suddenly just feels like work. Which makes sense because it is my job, after all. Adulthood is just weird though... which could honestly be a whole other blog post on its own because I'm strugglin. I'm so used to being in school, or being a worship leader's intern. But now I'm the worship leader. Weird. And while I have work to do, I don't have homework or classes or assignments or papers that demand my attention every day. Weirddd.
All of that being said, I do go to sleep each night knowing that I enjoy what I'm doing, I'm musically gifted (which is important for my job), and it really is my passion.
Like my Twitter bio says, "serving God + singing sweet harmony is my life's work."
And I wouldn't change it for the world.
As of January 31st, I became the worship leader of a new church plant in my area. I've felt called to be a worship leader since halfway through the first year of my Bachelor's degree. Or I guess, at that time, I was only in a one year worship leader certificate, and then I switched into the degree because I felt called to be a worship leader.
But I've gotta say somethin.
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| source: Kristine Tanne; unsplash.com |
I've hesitated a little bit to put up this post, because I don't want people thinking that I just got this new job and I'm bashing it or being discontent already. Because I do love it! Plus pretty much everything I'm saying in this post I've already discussed with the pastor I work with, so it's not like this is some huge confessional and everyone's gonna be SHOOK.
I was at the pastor's house the other week and his wife made a comment that stuck with me. We were talking about relationships and boys (🤪) so it wasn't even related to my job, but it can be. She said,
"You have to find something good in every situation, otherwise you'll never be content."It's not that I'm discontent with my job per se. It's just that since this position is where I feel God has called me to serve, I thought it would be so fulfilling and happy-clappy and easy all the time. But I just came across a tweet that hit me where it hurts:
"'Find a job you love and never work a day in your life' is possibly the worst platitude. Work is tough whether you love it or not. DO NOT QUIT your paying job to pursue your passion if you think it's going to be no work and all sunshine and daisies."Reading that was like breathing in a breath of fresh air, because I've been spending the past couple weeks of this job being a little bit confused. Because I kinda thought that fireworks would go off around me after I was told that I'd gotten the job. I thought I would be able to handle every mini-conflict with ease. I thought I'd feel fulfilled and happy-clappy all the time. I thought I'd be wandering through fields of sunshine and daisies every Sunday morning.
But it suddenly just feels like work. Which makes sense because it is my job, after all. Adulthood is just weird though... which could honestly be a whole other blog post on its own because I'm strugglin. I'm so used to being in school, or being a worship leader's intern. But now I'm the worship leader. Weird. And while I have work to do, I don't have homework or classes or assignments or papers that demand my attention every day. Weirddd.
All of that being said, I do go to sleep each night knowing that I enjoy what I'm doing, I'm musically gifted (which is important for my job), and it really is my passion.
Like my Twitter bio says, "serving God + singing sweet harmony is my life's work."
And I wouldn't change it for the world.
January 2019.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
It's been a hot minute since I've posted on here. I've thought about it multiple times and been inspired by different things. But at the same time, I've struggled with the very topic I wrote about in my last post - perfection.
January is almost over now, and it's been likely the most uncertain, strange, and unpredictable month I've experienced in my life so far. I say that because I'm so used to being in school, then I got used to being in Montréal, aaand now I'm home.
And I've struggled with perfection in terms of blogging, because when I'm feeling strange, unsettled, and uncertain, I don't always want to write because I'm not sure how happy I'll be with the end result.
But I'm back now.
Better than ever? Maybe not. But back nonetheless.
January is almost over now, and it's been likely the most uncertain, strange, and unpredictable month I've experienced in my life so far. I say that because I'm so used to being in school, then I got used to being in Montréal, aaand now I'm home.
And I've struggled with perfection in terms of blogging, because when I'm feeling strange, unsettled, and uncertain, I don't always want to write because I'm not sure how happy I'll be with the end result.
But I'm back now.
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| Source: freestocks.org; unsplash.com |
January started out fairly rocky; I got sick on the 4th and lost my voice for about two and a half weeks. I've had to lead music at some church or another for three out of the four Sundays in January, so having laryngitis wasn't ideal, but I rolled with it more or less.
It took me almost a month after coming home from Montréal to finally feel settled, comfortable, and familiar with life in Ontario again. It took one of my friends expressing concern that I was isolating myself and could possibly be depressed before I realized that I actually was hiding out at home a little bit. I wanted to avoid seeing people who hadn't seen me since before I left at the beginning of September because I knew that all they'd want to talk about is Montréal. Inherently, that's not a problem at all! But it gets frustrating when I try to turn the tables and ask what's been going on in their life while I was away, and I get responses like:
"Oh you know, the usual."
"Meh, same old same old."
"Well, my life is boring. I didn't go to Montréal!"
Insert eyeroll here. I was gone for FOUR MONTHS. I have no idea what went on, so I need to hear about "the usual", the "same old same old", and people's supposedly boring lives!
All I wanted was normal life, and I wasn't about to get it. So I had to come to terms with that and decide to oblige people and tell them about Montréal, even if I end up repeating myself multiple times.
I've also been playing the waiting game in terms of getting a job. I still don't officially have one, so I'm not about to tell you the details. So you'll have to wait with bated breath because, after all, I'm doing the same.
So, while I sit around in that proverbial waiting room, I've been biding my time watching Marie Kondo on Netflix, as well as You, and re-watching some later seasons of Grey's Anatomy because I have a potentially unhealthy love for that show. I've been putting some of those Marie Kondo organizing tips to good use in my room; I've vowed to actually live my life as a true lactose intolerant person and succeeding (for the most part); I bought a new bed; I've hung out with friends and talked about Montréal 🤪; I've gone to job interviews... y'know, the usual... same old same old. My life is boring, right?
HA. Just kidding.
2019 is cool and weird and surprising and new and unsettling and different, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
But God is always the same, and maaan, am I ever grateful for that. Always always always.
2019 + Worship Leading.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
2019 is just over a week old, and I've been back home in Ontario for two-ish weeks now. I had to count that on my calendar a few times because with Christmas and New Years in there, it feels like I must have been home for at least a month by this point. But nope, it's been sixteen days in Ontario for me - I just counted it again because I still cannot believe it!
I guess it makes sense though... I got home at 11:30pm on December 23rd, and then the next morning was already Christmas Eve! I've said to numerous people since coming home that I adore the build-up between my home church's Christmas concerts on the first weekend of December and Christmas Day. I hardly had time to experience or enjoy that this year because right after my church's Christmas concerts I went back to Montréal and worked right up until I finished my internship the morning of the 23rd. Everything just flew by so quickly for me this December. Or last December, should I say, since it's 2019 now?
Anyway, this post is supposed to be all about 2019. Worship leading, lessons that I've been learning, y'all know how we do over here on the blog.
2019 started out pretty chill. I spent New Years with my best friend, just watching movies, laughing, playing games, and having a pretty legit photoshoot because I just had to have some good qual photos on my Instagram feed.
I'm a liiittle bit embarrassed by how EXTRA I am. But the photos turned out really cute sooo 🤷🏼♀️
My personal theme of "grace upon grace" for 2019 has already made itself evident. On January 4th, I randomly got sick. I say randomly because there was no notice beforehand that I was coming down with something. And by the end of the day on the 4th, my voice was gone, I had limited energy, and I was hacking up both my lungs. Ugh. And OH! I forgot to mention that I needed to lead music at a church on the 6th. 😱🙃
Normally that wouldn't be a big deal, right? Even I know that. If I was leading a team, I'd just tell them that I can't sing that morning and I'd just be playing piano and relying on someone else to lead vocally. But this situation was a bit of a big deal because my gig with the church I was heading to is that I lead the music by myself. Without a team, because the whole point of me leading at this church is to give their music team a break once a month.
So I found myself in a bit of a pickle. I could hardly talk to my family on Saturday, let alone even think about singing the next morning! Admittedly, my perfectionistic I-have-little-to-no-grace-for-myself-c'mon-Elizabeth-why-are-you-like-this mentality kicked in, but my throat hurt too much and I didn't have enough energy to be as hard on myself as I normally would be.
All I knew was that I needed to come up with a solution, and fast. It was far too last minute for me to cancel on this church, and I'd already planned the set list, and everything was ready to go. Everything except for my voice, of course.
In this situation, grace manifested itself in the form of my parents. At 7:30pm the night before the Sunday morning service, I made two photocopies of my sheet music, sat my parents down in the living room, and squeaked out the song map for each piece. Thankfully they knew all of the songs I'd chosen, and they endured my squeaky voice and slight impatience when rehearsal-appropriate mistakes were made due to my lack of energy and stress from the last minute-ness of this whole thing.
All in all, everything went really well on Sunday morning - much better than I'd envisioned it, by the grace of God. The church was impressed by my parents' singing capabilities, and I enjoyed the opportunity to focus on playing piano and not dividing my attention between singing and piano.
I learned to give up control. I had to trust that my parents would remember the order for each song. I had to trust that everything would work out even though I wasn't the one speaking to the congregation before/between/after songs/sets.
And so, it turns out that sometimes the LORD just has to take away my voice in order to humble me and teach me grace.
A Beautiful Year.
Monday, December 31, 2018
At the end of 2015, my friend Tatiana published a blog post titled "A Beautiful Year". The latter half of 2018 has been filled with confusion and grief as my heart attempts to navigate the loss of her young life.
In that blog post, one of the things she wrote that rings true for me is:
At the end of 2018, I can say the same. This year has been very fun and exciting and filled with adventure. I completed an internship at my home church, performed my graduation recital, graduated with my Bachelor's degree in church music, went to Manitoulin Island, sang at three weddings (my first wedding gigs!), got my g2, adventured to Montréal and completed an internship there, and made it back home again in time for Christmas.
But 2018 hasn't been easy in any sense, exactly as Tat wrote three years ago. A local author who wrote a newspaper article about her life after she died wrote,
In Tat's end-of-2015 blog post, she also wrote,
But as Tat wrote, because of Jesus alone, 2018 was still a beautiful year. I learned so many lessons, developed my skills and abilities, and gained much self-confidence while doing my internship in Montréal these past four months. Tat was passionate about missions, and while I'm more passionate about music ministry than I am about missions, I was determined to complete each internship task to the best of my ability in her honour. Because I know she'd have wanted to hear about it. She told me so in the summer when I told her I'd be going, and Matt (her fiancé + my close friend) tells me so now. How I wish I could share the fun and excitement and adventures I'd had with her.
And I'd like to think Tat would be proud of me for wanting to accept and attempt to understand the grace that God has for me - for all of us. Because his grace is endless and boundless.
I want to end by sharing another piece of another blog post. From one of Tat's friends, Danielle. I've never met Danielle, but in late October she shared a blog post formatted as a letter to Tat. I was so touched by it. So I wanted to share the portion that touched me the most because I share Danielle's sentiment, pain, heart, and love for Tat in these words:
So, here's to 2019 - another year that through its brokenness we will see so much beauty, through the grace of Jesus alone.
In that blog post, one of the things she wrote that rings true for me is:
"This year has been so fun and exciting and filled with adventure but it hasn't been easy in any sense. Through the brokenness I've seen so much beauty and the only person to thank for that is Jesus alone."
At the end of 2018, I can say the same. This year has been very fun and exciting and filled with adventure. I completed an internship at my home church, performed my graduation recital, graduated with my Bachelor's degree in church music, went to Manitoulin Island, sang at three weddings (my first wedding gigs!), got my g2, adventured to Montréal and completed an internship there, and made it back home again in time for Christmas.
But 2018 hasn't been easy in any sense, exactly as Tat wrote three years ago. A local author who wrote a newspaper article about her life after she died wrote,
"Blackburn put a rich, detailed account of her life and feelings online."People can bash social media as much as they want nowadays, saying that young people "post too often" and "share too much", but I think Tat's rich, detailed account of her life online is something that has brought many of us great comfort the past four months. We get Facebook memories, we have blog posts to read, funny anecdotes that get shared, and Instagram posts - she has 1,704 for us to look back at and reminisce through.
In Tat's end-of-2015 blog post, she also wrote,
"Jesus has made this year so beautiful."Again, at the end of 2018, I can say the same. At the end of 2016 I wrote a blog post ranting about people complaining all over social media in December about how bad of a year 2016 had been. And forget just 2016. I saw those same posts at the end of 2017, and I've seen them yet again this year. It still drives me insane, but I've come to realize that there'll always always always be people who have something negative to say about every year.
But as Tat wrote, because of Jesus alone, 2018 was still a beautiful year. I learned so many lessons, developed my skills and abilities, and gained much self-confidence while doing my internship in Montréal these past four months. Tat was passionate about missions, and while I'm more passionate about music ministry than I am about missions, I was determined to complete each internship task to the best of my ability in her honour. Because I know she'd have wanted to hear about it. She told me so in the summer when I told her I'd be going, and Matt (her fiancé + my close friend) tells me so now. How I wish I could share the fun and excitement and adventures I'd had with her.
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| a photo of Tat + two of her younger siblings in Peru - shared in a local newspaper article. |
But amidst this sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and grief, 2018 was still beautiful. And I'm determined that 2019 will be as well. One of Tat's favourite sayings was "grace upon grace" which is one of my favourites too, since I'd heard a T.B. LaBerge quote similar to it that says,
"Grace upon grace, until we have made our way home."Grace is going to be my personal theme for 2019. Grace upon grace. All too often I struggle to accept God's grace for myself. We hear that word all the time, and I believe that there's grace for other people, but I can so easily just harp on and beat myself up over my own sins and mistakes, almost as though I don't believe that Jesus' grace is extended to me. This is a flaw of mine that one of my friends in Montréal pointed out to me.
And I'd like to think Tat would be proud of me for wanting to accept and attempt to understand the grace that God has for me - for all of us. Because his grace is endless and boundless.
I want to end by sharing another piece of another blog post. From one of Tat's friends, Danielle. I've never met Danielle, but in late October she shared a blog post formatted as a letter to Tat. I was so touched by it. So I wanted to share the portion that touched me the most because I share Danielle's sentiment, pain, heart, and love for Tat in these words:
"I have decided that I would want you to know how much your absence breaks me. I would want you to know that your existence is so significant to me and when that existence shifted into heaven my heart could barely handle it. You are a BIG deal to me, Tat Blackburn. Your life was such a light in this world, and everything feels different without you.""Grace upon grace until we have made our way home." And you have made it home, Tatiana. One day we'll reunite forever, and I suppose then I can share with you all about my Montréal adventures - and every other adventure I get into before I see you again. My heart breaks and aches now, but this life on earth is merely a blink of an eye in light of eternity. I cannot wait, sweet friend. 💛
So, here's to 2019 - another year that through its brokenness we will see so much beauty, through the grace of Jesus alone.
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| balloons that Tat's family released on what would have been her wedding day. 10.22.18 |
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