Last year, almost around this time but not quite, I was writing a one month blog post for my time in Montréal.

As of yesterday, I've been living in a house with nine other students (and two Residence Directors) for a month.

This first month being back at school has been quite different than my first month in Montréal was, but as it turns out, there are still some similarities. I re-read my one month in Montréal post and in that, I shared five lessons that I had learned during my first 30 days.

backyard cotton candy sky viewsss.

This time around, I've once again recognized that transitions are rough, you need to have people in your corner, and everything will be different, and that's okay.

These lessons are all less in-your-face (or my face, rather) than they seemed to be last year, because I'm living in my home province this time - only one hour away from home, and I'm pretty used to the "being in school" vibes from prior years of life.

It's been great being back in the classroom, actually; I've realized I missed it more than I ever imagined I would. Today we finished studying through Genesis, and I've been learning so much! I mean, I learned a lot throughout my undergrad, but that was a whole different ball game because I was taking general studies courses, theology courses, and music courses. The program I'm in now is completely different because we're spending the whole year studying through the Bible, and that's it. No music courses, philosophy, hermeneutics, ethics, or anything like that.

During my undergrad studies I was in a different mindset faith-wise as well. I was in a place, mentally, where I was simply taking in everything that I was learning. In my program this year, my headspace is more inquisitive and thoughtful; on the first day of class I almost had a crisis of faith while we were talking about whether the Bible should be taken at face value or metaphorically. It was actually pretty cool; I was happy with myself for really thinking about the things I'm learning instead of immediately accepting everything that I'm being told.

Over the past two weeks, another lesson I've been learning is about bruises. How big they can be, how dark purple they can turn, and how long they last. This lesson has been less fun.

I've been called both "Bruiser", and "A Walking Incident Report" over the past 72 hours. I now have a fear of wooden staircases, doors, and the wind. Be glad you're not me. 🙃 Orrrrr just send a giant roll of bubble wrap my way asap, please and thank you.

My most recent incident report-worthy escapade happened almost 24 hours ago now. Fun fact: I actually intended to write my one month post yesterday, but spent my evening in the ER instead. Here's the story, because it's pretty iconic actually:

One of the assignments we have for school is to memorize a small section of Scripture each month, so yesterday I'd set a reminder for 5:00pm to remind me to work on memorizing that. I decided I'd go outside on the front porch to work on that task, so I grabbed my sheet of paper and the iced coffee I'd made and went to go outside. The thing is, someone in the house had opened up the screen door in the back, and it was a pretty windy day. So when I opened the front door as well, the house essentially turned into a wind tunnel and as I reached back to close the door, the wind whipped it closed on my fingers.

'All I wanted to do was memorize a Bible passage!!!' is what I thought to myself as I sat on the front porch, trying to get a grip before re-entering the house to find a driver who could take me to the hospital. After all that, I ended up memorizing half of the passage while waiting to get x-rays done in emerge, so I guess that's good...??

Last week I fell down the stairs by the way, hence the "Walking Incident Report" nickname. But that all seems like a distant memory now in light of more recent events.

Aaall in all, month one has been quite memorable. It's had its ups and downs as you can obviously tell but, in the grand scheme of things, isn't life just one big ol' rollercoaster of ups and downs? Tell me I'm wrong... Except don't actually.

Like I said in my Montréal one month post when talking about how different you realize everything becomes in a new phase of life:

"Sometimes the "different-ness" of it all will feel like a lot. It will feel like it's consuming you. But it will be okay. Because while everything is different, you can rest assured that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), and it's that truth that will hold you up during the uncertainties of the "different-ness"."

I've officially been living in my new home for two weeks now. It's kind of been a whirlwind; I feel like I've lived here for one day and also a year and a half, simultaneously.

I moved on August 25th, and a mere four days later - on the 29th - as a group we started our journey of reading through the whole Bible in eight days. Cover to cover. Wild, right? Trust me, it really was.

We read for at least eight hours every day, only taking a day off on Labour Day. Sometimes we read as long as twelve hours in a day. It was a longgg haul to say the least.

camping views at Craigleith Provincial Park last week.

Why hello there! It's been a moment, hasn't it?

There's been lots going on since I last wrote on here in July... I finished working an eight-ish week full-time job, visited a friend in Indiana, have still been working at the church (it's been almost seven months now! - something that I meant to write about on my six month workiversary but didn't oops), and went to the beach a couple times.

Grand Bend, July 2019.

Words have been few and far between, but thoughts have been many. I've been quite scatterbrained and I feel a little bit at a loss right now when it comes to my blog, probably because I have too many thoughts and feelings, and it feels like there's never enough time in a day or week or month for me to articulate them. Plus not all of them should or will be articulated online, for that matter. Ha!!

"On April 26th, I said that I wouldn't be going [to school]. I wrote up an eloquent email, giving all these smart-sounding, well thought through reasons as to why I decided against this opportunity."

I'm someone who wants to plan out everything, so you can imagine my personal shock and surprise when I sent in my application for school on May 15th, after saying on April 28th of 2018, "I'm never going back to school", and declining the opportunity a year (minus two days) after I said "never".

My desire to plan everything has also played into my preparation for this upcoming school year. Seeing as this is the inaugural year for this specific Bible Institute campus (NO FOLKS, I'm not moving to Florida!), there are numerous times that I've heard and said sayings along the lines of, "Well, I mean, that's the plan, but we'll have to see what actually ends up happening."

Perhaps I'm feeling so scatterbrained because a small part of me dies every time I realize that I can't fully plan and prepare for this school year. 🤪

At the same time, it's been teaching me of my need to let go and let God, as it were. I badly need to surrender everything to Him. All the time.

It's an every day process, let me (probably not be the first person to) tell you. I'm one for quick fixes and, "Hey God, can I just give this to You now and then not ever have to deal with this ever again... ever?" But that's often not how it works... ever. Mostly.

It looks a little bit more like:

Waking up every morning and giving God my anxieties, my desire for control, and my longing to know exactly how every little thing is going to pan out.

It's catching myself feeling that anxious nauseous feeling in my stomach, and giving those fears back to God. Again.

It's getting some packing done, realizing I'm not quite sure whether or not I'm going to need a certain book, and realizing that it's okay not to know every step of the way.

Friends, I never want to give off an illusion that I'm publishing these posts because I think I have it all together and I'm so great and wise and ready to share with you from my vast well of life experience that I've gained in my twenty-three years of life.

Quite the opposite in fact. I don't often think that I'm wise or great or full of life experience. Today, I described myself to someone as, "pretty much always a hot mess." ✌🏼

I publish these posts mainly as an outlet for my external processor-ness, but also because in this day and age, there's far too much faux perfection all over the internet - people needing their Instagram feed to fit their theme and aesthetic; people cleaning up a tiiiny part of their house/room just so their picture will look neat and clean and perfectly pristine; YouTubers only vlogging the happy-go-lucky fun adventures for everyone to see.

We're so attracted to the "perfect" even though we, for the most part, know that it's completely unattainable for any of us! But we still search for it online, in our day to day lives, and that leads to us quickly and so easily comparing our reality to other peoples' highlight reels.

I publish these posts because I'm longing for real. I want to see more authenticity online.

And so, I post. I want to play my small part in breaking down that perfection façade.

Even when my posts are messy, scatterbrained, and few and far between.

I remember applying to a music program in Bible college back in 2014. I applied because my two biggest passions in life are Jesus and music - singing, specifically. I'd only applied for a one year certificate at the time, not really knowing what it would turn in to. I wasn't really sure if I actually wanted to be a worship leader.

At the end of first year, I applied to the full Bachelor's degree program. I still wasn't sure if I actually wanted to be a worship leader.

Two summers ago, while thinking about the impending internship that I'd have to complete before graduating, I wondered what would happen if I did my internship and realized that I didn't want to be a worship leader or worse, what if I was a terrible worship leader and I'd just wasted four years studying and intending to become a worship leader.
Yeah yeah yeah, I know it wouldn't have actually been a waste of my time, but that's not the point of this post so don't focus on that.

Clearly I still wasn't sure if I actually wanted to be a worship leader.

Source: Andrik Langfield; unsplash.com

Before graduating last spring - but after successfully completing and enjoying my internship - I remember my faculty advisor/mentor telling me not to get discouraged if I didn't get a worship leading job right away.

Blah blah blah, the summer happened, I went to Montréal in the fall, and then I came home and got a worship leading position.

Nine months after graduating.

Fifteen months after leading worship for the first time. I'd sung on worship teams for years, but hadn't actually led until my internship at the beginning of my fourth year of college.

Anyway, I'm saying all of this because I feel like I'm living a dream right now. I finally, in the last few months of 2017, decided that I actually wanted to be a worship leader.

In the first month of 2019, I got my first job as a worship leader.

Tomorrow I'm taking part in my first all-campus event for the church plant I work for (there are four campuses of this church). It's been a full day; I had to go to the city where our main campus is this afternoon to rehearse for tomorrow.

But before that rehearsal, I led music at a ladies' event at my home church. While driving to my home church at 8am this morning, I was reflecting on the busy day ahead of me. As an introvert, I wasn't the most stoked about having so much to do, and having to meet new people at the rehearsal in the afternoon. But I quickly stopped myself when I had this realization.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I wouldn't want my job, my life, how I spent my Saturday to be any other way.

I don't want to be working in retail. I don't want to be behind a desk from 9:00-5:00. I don't want to... yikes, I ran out of job examples pretty quickly. But my point is that nine months after graduating with my Bachelor's degree, I have the job that my Bachelor's degree qualifies me for.

It's definitely intimidating sometimes. Within the church I'm working for, I'm the youngest, newest, and only female worship leader. But I love the people I work with. I've been working at this church plant for just barely more than three months, and I'm living a dream.

Fifteen months ago I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to be a worship leader.

Here I am now, having had a full day of worship leading and worship leading-related rehearsals, knowing full well that this is what I want to be doing. I was made for this. I'm living the dream.

It's been a minute since I've updated the blog. And I'm still not really updating it. Today's post is a guest post from my friend Tat Blackburn. I've written about her a few times in the past six months, sharing a little bit about the fact that she went home to Jesus this past summer.

Back in April when I was preparing to graduate, I made a Spotify playlist of mostly sappy, sentimental songs about endings. Some were worship songs that had meant a lot to me throughout my fourth year like, Never Once by Matt Redman and My Story by Big Daddy Weave. Some are just cheesy like I'll Always Remember You by Hannah Montana, Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds, Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift, and You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home by Hannah Montana.

The first time Never Once was played in chapel at Bible college - conveniently it was the last Tuesday chapel in my fourth year - I sobbed bc endings, and also because it's such a powerful song about how God never leaves us. 

The music video for My Story was played at the graduation banquet and guess what? I sobbed again. All of us grads were standing around the perimeter of the room and here I was ugly crying in front of them, my professors, people's families, et al. One of my friends even left his spot against the wall to get a napkin from a table for me because of how much I was sobbing. It was rough. My Story talks about how Jesus is a crucial part of my/one's life's story, and that if I were to share my story, it would be more about God's grace and justice and mercy and kindness and love than it is anything about me.

all packed up.

Today is the three year anniversary of my blog! With that in mind, as well as the fact that I'm a graduate and my life is no longer heading in a direction that is centered around school, I figured what better time than now to write a post sort of re-introducing myself for the newer readers, as well as sharing what my vision is for this blog in the coming months and years as I move into the "real world".

That's me.

So, who am I? Let's start there.

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom at my parents' house, surrounded by boxes, bags, books, and clothes. I graduated two days ago. I have a Bachelor's degree. Life is crazy, life is overwhelming, life is surreal, but life is good.

At the graduation banquet on Friday night, they had all of the graduates stand around the perimeter of the room, we all got prayed for, and then the song My Story was played. First of all, I was SOBBING. Partly as a result of the end-of-year emotions taking over, and partly because of the truth in the lyrics of the song.

If I told you my story, you would hear Hope that wouldn't let go...
You would hear Love that never gave up...
You would hear life - but it wasn't mine...
If I should speak, than let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin...
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in...
To tell you my story is to tell of Him.

The song has so many powerful, beautiful, and truth-filled lyrics that I could relate to in my journey of faith, and my journey throughout my undergrad.

Something that I've been reminded of a lot throughout this school year, and especially in the last couple of weeks, is how awesome God is, how involved He longs to be in every part of our story, and that He is able to do far more than anything we could ever ask for or imagine.

In the chapel at my school this year, we had a banner at the front of the room that was constantly reminding me of this truth over the past eight months.

I'm going to be graduating in fourteen days.

Recently I've ben reflecting on my time at Bible college and all of the different things that I've learned. Because, let's face it, these past four years have been incredibly formational and have grown and changed me into the woman I am today.

I've laughed a lot, I've cried a lot, I've written so many papers, I've consumed insane amounts of coffee, I've considered dropping out of school at least twice per semester, but now here I am. We made it fam.

I'm ready to say goodbye and leave it all with a piece of paper in my hands in two weeks.

HAAAAAAaaa, can u imagine.
And when I say "I'm ready", I mean I'm absolutely not ready in the least. As in I've cried every single day in the month of April and I'm surprised that I still have tears left in my body. But I'm learning that emotions are okay. And it's okay that I'm not entirely happy and excited to graduate like people keep telling me I should be.

I could likely write a novel talking about all of the things that I've learned throughout the four years that I've been living on campus and working on completing my undergrad, and completing it well. But I thought the most concise thing to do would be to write a lil letter to my seventeen-year old self, the one who was packing up her stuff, preparing to move away from home and live away from her family for the first time ever. She never thought she'd be able to survive it, by the way. But here she is, writing to you now. God is good.

So, dear seventeen-year old me:
Here are four things I've learned throughout the four years of my Bachelor's degree.


1. Emotions are O K A Y.

Those who know me well know that I don't like to deal with my feelings. I'm an everything-is-fine-all-the-time typa girl. But let's get real. Everything is NOT always fine. And that's okay!!! I mean, I still don't like crying in front of people, but it happens sometimes. And I'm learning that it's actually easier to admit when I'm having a crummy day instead of putting on a smile with the rest of my makeup in the morning. Being real is gooooood.
But maybe not with everyone. It's not really encouraging if I tell everyone about my sucky day. But close friends should know, and if you spend time with them on the daily, they may figure it out on their own.

2. Getting out of your comfort zone is super important.

Struggling with social anxiety makes leaving my comfort zone a daunting task, however every time I've done something out of my comfort zone throughout my undergrad, I've always felt a sense of accomplishment.
In my public speaking class last semester, I actually wrote my final speech on the topic of how important it is to get out of your comfort zone, and I distinctly remember saying: "In your young adult years, one of the most formational things you can do is get out of your comfort zone and do things that you wouldn't normally think you could do." It's definitely scary, but it's always worth it.

3. Being a responsible adult is a necessity.

Getting eight hours of sleep. Saying "no" to hanging out with someone when you know you have an assignment due. Making sure you eat enough, drink enough water.
People like to tease me for going to sleep at 11:30 instead of staying up until 3:00. They make comments about me being "awake and responsible" in the mornings. But it's really been hitting me during my fourth year that eventually I can't use the excuse of "Oh I'm a college student" "I'm not a full-fledged adult, lol." So let's start acting like responsible adults now instead of putting it off until you've graduated and are actually a "full-fledged adult".

4. You don't know everything. (And you don't need to.)

One of my professors has this saying: "Once you realize that you don't know everything, you're ready to graduate."
Marks have always been important to me, ever since I was in elementary school. I remember getting my first D in grade five, and coming home, handing my test to my mom really quickly and then going to my room and sobbing because I thought I'd be in so much trouble! I didn't realize at age ten that my parents' love for me wasn't conditional based upon my grades.
I didn't come to fully understand my professor's saying until I was sitting in his office a month ago. I made a comment to him about wishing that I was doing better in one of his classes, and feeling like I should be doing better because I'm a fourth year student. But he just looked at me, gave me a knowing look, one that those who know him would recognize, and said, "It sounds like you're ready to graduate."
I don't know everything. And that's okay.


And here's a lil bonus lesson/reminder for y'all. Let's call it "a shout out to those who took five years to complete their four year degree". Which is totally cool, by the way! I got to spend an extra year with some of my friends that way.

5. God is always faithful.

This lesson was really made clear to me in a significant way this past week. In our final chapel of the school year (and the final chapel service of my undergrad!!!) the music team played the song "Never Once" by Matt Redman, and I'd never heard it before so I just stood there listening to it, and in a few moments I was crying. (Note to self: see lesson #1 - emotions are OKAY.)
The song begins with the words "Standing on this mountaintop, looking just how far we've come, knowing that for every step, You were with us." It's such a powerful song that talks about scars and struggles being a reality in life, but knowing that God is always faithful, and He'll never leave us to walk alone. And that is absolutely the story of my undergraduate experience, as well as the story of my life, really.

"And be sure of this: I am with you always, to the very end of the age." {Matthew 28:20} 

All our lives long we can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us." {Frederick Faber}

I came across this quote as a Facebook memory that I'd posted three years ago. And I still love it. And I've been thinking about it all morning. I know it's still morning, but I came in to work at 8:00 so I've been up for a while, O K A Y?

Source: Annie Splatt; unsplash.com

We exaggerate about a LOT.

I'm starving.

I suck at everything.

I have so much to do; I'm dying.

Have you ever stopped to think about all the things we complain and exaggerate about? And have you ever noticed that the majority of stuff we exaggerate and complain about is negative? We don't often exaggerate about how amazing we are at cooking, playing the piano, staying focused on an assignment. We rarely exaggerate about how much we love others, how much we love Jesus.

But we should.

Think about that quote. We can never exaggerate the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. Isn't that amazing? I'm pumped about it!! Because while it's not great that we complain about much, this quote is saying that we can never over-exaggerate about the love that Jesus has for us. Because it's unconditional; it's never-ending; it's unfathomable by our finite human minds.

Isn't that insane?!

The quote also says that we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus. Now, this has nothing to do with works; it's saying that we're obligated to do things for Jesus in order to gain his favour. What it's saying is that Christ suffered and was crucified, and He died so that we could have the opportunity to receive eternal life, if we so choose to believe in Him. We can never repay Jesus for the sacrifice that He made on our behalf on that Cross. With Easter having occurred last weekend, this imagery is fresh in my mind and heavy on my heart. And the amazing, insane, unfathomable thing about Jesus' sacrifice for us? He doesn't ask us to repay Him. Which I'm definitely thankful for, considering I just stated that we never could.

Y'all. Jesus is so awesome! I'm grateful that we can never exaggerate the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. And I long to live my life in such a way that displays that, even though I cannot repay Him - nor am I asked to - that my obligation is to Him alone. I'm not in the business of living my life for the sake of other humans. All of my life is for His glory!

Last week I was reading in Luke 10 and I came across a verse that I really needed to hear. Luke 10:41-42 says:

"But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

I felt a lot like Martha last week. I was prepping for my graduation recital and I was all over the place about it. I was anxious and troubled about many things. I had been practicing forever so I felt like I was just about ready to sing all the songs in my sleep. But I was also nervous and anxious and emotional because my recital was just another reminder that I'm truly actually graduating in just under five weeks. In the twenty-four hours before my recital, I sobbed so much. About graduation. About having prepared for my recital so much and it would all be over so quickly. It was cringey.

My nervous and anxious feelings were making me short-tempered and making me want to be grumpy with people, and be rude and unkind. But obviously I didn't actually want to do that because I love my friends and I want to be kind and loving as often as I can be.

My nervous and anxious feelings also made me realize that I need Jesus. Because I know that He is the only One who can supply me with the peace, kindness, and grace that I so desperately need.

But why do we all too often act like Jesus isn't enough?

At my church, I sit in the area among all of the young people. And there's something that I notice we do a lot, and I say "we" because I am just as guilty as anyone when it comes to this. And let's be honest, I know it's not just the young people at my church who do this. I just happen to sit amongst the young people every Sunday. When it comes time for the sermon, we start texting our friends, playing games on our phones, struggling to stay awake. It's like the music and the prayer times are just sexy enough to keep our interest, but the Word of God and the teaching that comes from it are not.

But why is that? Why can we not focus on a sermon for thirty minutes? We can focus on an episode on Netflix for forty-five minutes, but we're out here saying that Jesus is Lord, He is everything to us, and yet we can't even stay focused on the teaching from His Word!

I don't know folks. I don't have answers to these questions of mine, other than the fact that we live in a fallen world, which is why I said that I am just as guilty in this area as any of the people that I attend church with.

To bring this full-circle, my nervous and anxious feelings about my recital helped me to realize yet again that I need to keep Jesus at the center of my life always. Because without Him I would have just been short-tempered and grumpy with my friends all week. And heck, I know that even with Jesus I still failed last week and needed forgiveness (So if you're reading this and you go to school with me, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry - I'll do better this week).

I needed strength from the Holy Spirit in order to feel peace last week, to be gracious and loving and kind to those around me. Because if it was up to me, I would have been snippy with everyone up until my recital was done. But I had to remember that Jesus is enough. He deserves my time, and judging by how I feel my recital went, I know that He honoured the time I'd spent with Him and He gave me peace, grace, rest.

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary."

Lately I've been working my way through reading the Gospels. I'm currently reading in Mark, and two verses that really stuck out to me the other day were Mark 6:30-31:

"The apostles returned to Jesus and told Him all that they had done and taught. And He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat."

Dudes. I relate to that last sentence so much. I'm prepping for my graduation recital which is less than two weeks away now (!!!!!), I had two papers that I had to grind out over the weekend because they were late, and not because I just didn't feel like doing them, but because I've been so busy that I didn't even realize they existed. And I have a major research paper due at the end of the month that I've given absolutely no time to because I'm trying to prepare adequately for my recital. I feel like I have no leisure to eat either!

Everything feels so important. Everything needs to be a priority right now. Because I'm preparing myself to graduate in seven weeks. OKAY, who knew that fourth year would be sooo crazy?!

I've been finding that I need to daily take time by myself to rest a while. There aren't really any desolate places per se, especially when I'm living on a campus full of college students. But that's no excuse.

I have to make time for the things that deserve my time. My graduation recital? My papers? They definitely deserve my time, especially if I'm planning to graduate - which I am.

But what deserves my time more than my recital and my homework? That would be Jesus. And I'm slowly learning to take that more and more seriously. And let's face it, it's not always practical for people to wake up and read their Bibles right away. Like, I am a morning person for sure, but I still can't bring myself to wake up an extra thirty minutes earlier than I normally do when I already have an 8:30 morning class that I'm getting up for.

And that does not mean that Jesus isn't important to me! It frustrates me that some people truly think that you "love Jesus less" if you wait to read your Bible and spend some quality time with Him over your afternoon latte instead of your morning coffee.

I'm a morning person in the sense that I love to get stuff done - papers, recital practicing, internship tasks - in the morning, right after breakfast. And then in the afternoon I carve out a chunk of time where I "come away by myself to a desolate place and rest a while", like Jesus commands his disciples to in Mark 6. During this time I read my Bible (currently reading Mark [as previously stated]), a chapter or two of whatever soul-feeding book I'm into at the time (currently: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge), and then I'll sometimes journal as well.

And even if I've done a lot of practicing for my recital, had coffee with two different friends, met with my internship supervisor, and finished a paper all in one day, I still find that the most fulfilling and satisfying thing that I've done that day was spend quality time in a desolate place with Jesus. Because He's the One who gives me peace from all the craziness and busyness of these final seven weeks of my Bachelors degree. My friends who I have coffee with, my internship supervisor - I love them all. But they cannot feed my soul, love me unconditionally, and give me peace in the perfect way that my Heavenly Father can.

So don't sweat the busy times. In our culture it seems that everyone is always busy all the time and if you're not busy then OH MY WORD, you've gotta find more stuff to do so that you can tell your friends that you're busy too! Whether you're busy or not, remember to take time each day to rest in a desolate place, for it is only the soul-feeding Truths of our God that will bring you peace. Make time for the things that deserve your time.

You know all of those popular quotes about everything ending up okay in the end? Yeah, I always find those to be super inspirational and helpful.

Until I'm actually in a situation where I need to remember that everything is going to be okay.

Source: Larm Rmah; unsplash.com

It's been a long week y'all. And I'm sitting here this morning good-naturedly chuckling and rolling my eyes at myself. Because when things get tough, I seem to forget every single time that God has been constant, good, and faithful. But He is. Always. And I'm here at the end of an emotionally exhausting week to say that God is really really good, and I'm thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

In addition to it being the end of a long week, it's also the beginning of a brand new month (!!!).

For the past three years, March has been pretty bittersweet, as it's the last full month of school. But this year it's my last full month of school... ever. So that's scary.

Right now, my focus is on my graduation recital, as well as wanting to finish my courses and my internship well. Reading week was last week, and most of the time I do a lot of homework over reading week and then I come back feeling burnt out, unrested, and unmotivated. But last week I didn't do very much homework at all. Although I was ever so slightly stressed about that, I've gotten a lot done this week and I'm actually feeling motivated and rested and ready to SLAY these last eight weeks of school.

I've really been trying to be more excited about the uncertainty of life, and let me be honest and tell ya that it's pretty tough. I'm learning that I'm much more impatient than I ever thought I was, which is a bit of an annoying realization. I'm praying lots and trying to wait on God's timing, but I really just want to know what's going to happen!! But can you blame me? Some post-graduation plans I thought I had just fell through so it's back to the drawing board, and I don't know how to not do homework, just to name a couple of my thoughts.

But I'm realizing every day that I need to keep going back to how I started this post. Basking in God's goodness, consistency, and faithfulness. I know that I have a place to live after graduation, I've had a couple of cool opportunities presented to me recently, so I guess I don't have absolutely no idea what post-graduation life looks like.

And really, it's all pointing me more and more to Christ, and pushing me to rely on Him constantly and trust Him with everything.

So it'll all be okay in the end, right?

A great blessing that comes along with going to school is some of the amazing people that I get to meet. For example, one of my professors is also an author and I love her, so I've read two of her books.

There's a quotation from one of her books that's really been consuming my mind over the past few days.

"Specifically, I pray for something I have never actually tried praying for before: I ask with all I am that my embittering desires be lifted from me. I kneel in the grass and ask God to remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for Him. I was beginning to see that when we live in perpetual breaking of that very first and rudimentary commandment, the whole house of cards falls. And for good reason. God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live, or else my desires will consume me and I will die not only the Great Death, but countless little deaths landing like stinging nettles on exposed skin, every hour of every day." (Carolyn Weber, Holy is the Day)

Yikes, that's a lot to take in, right!? But it's so gooooood.

And it's what I want in life. I want God to be the Alpha and Omega of my desire. I want to truly live. I want to desire things - people, places, missions, ministries, a career - that first and foremost glorify God.

So I've been following in Dr. Weber's steps and praying that prayer. I've made it my mission to pray it every day this week. I've asked that "my embittering desires be lifted from me", that God will "remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for Him." And what have I learned so far?

Nothing yet. Not a thing.

Well okayyy, that's not true. I've been learning that it's hard. For two main reasons.

1. Naturally, I want what I want. (We all do. It's the way of the human race.)

I'm fighting against myself here, and my own natural desires. So I need to pray Dr. Weber's prayer repeatedly. Because it's one thing for me to read that quotation and say "Hey, yeah. That's awesome. That's so true, and something that I should probably pray too." Aaand then pray it once and go on with my life, continuing to seek my own desires.

It has taken years of ups and downs, and lots of conscious thought and effort on my part to come to the place where I've realized that seeking God and keeping Him as the Alpha and Omega of my desire is truly how I want to live my life at all times. And as a result of that, I'm recognizing that I need to continuously pray for my embittering desires to be lifted from me. Because naturally I'll want to hang on to my own desires.

But that doesn't mean that I give up. It means that I pray all the more and seek God more and more, because I love Him more than I love the things in life that I think I want. Which leads me to the second reason.

2. How do I know that a desire is from God and not my own?

Y'all, I have no idea as of yet. Which is why I need God, and why I need prayer. I'd be losing the fight against myself and my own desires if I just believed that after praying for God to remove everything that isn't first and foremost a desire for Him, that suddenly every desire within me is from Him and for Him. Praying for discernment in this is so necessary. 

It's a journey, peeps. And it's not always an easy one. But it's so worth it. As Dr. Weber says in her book "God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live."

Don't just take it from me and Carolyn Weber though; Jesus Himself is an example of One longing to keep God as the center as well. In Luke 22 He says:

"...Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

So let's follow in Christ's footsteps, recognizing that God must be the Alpha and Omega of our desire.

I've been feeling pretty mess-like recently, so I thought that that would make writing this post a simple feat. However, I've been working on writing this for at least two weeks and have made so many changes and edits.

And tbh, I think that's because oftentimes humans make other humans believe that being a mess isn't acceptable. Or maybe I just make myself feel that way...? But I can't be the only one, can I?

It's important to be a mess."

I think I agree with that, and I think we push messiness under the rug as much as we possibly can. At least I know that that's what I do. But oftentimes we miss the point...

We don't realize how important it is to be messy. 

'You're crazy.' You might be thinking.

'How can it possibly be "important" to be a mess?'

'Being messy is no fun.'

Yup, I'm still there with ya. Being a mess can feel so exhausting. However...

A lot can be learned in the mess. In the hard stuff. The times wherein you cry more times than you can count in a day. The times when you can't sleep at night. The times when you have to overcompensate for your usually bubbly personality when you're with friends just so that no one will ask you "what's wrong?".

I've done a lot of that lately. And I'm pretty tired of it. And I'm frustrated with myself for it too.

Because I too have been missing the point.

'So what's the point of all this pain and mess, exactly???'

Let me say, first of all, that it may be different for some people.

I've realized, though, that the point of the pain and mess for me in this specific instance was that I lost sight of my focus. I wanted immediate relief from the constant darkness, sadness, anger, and confusion that I was feeling. I sought comfort from friends, I avoided everything by sleeping, by neglecting my homework and responsibilities. I didn't pray or read my Bible because I was too tired and "didn't really know" what to say to God or what to read.

But then, four days ago, I finally felt the sun hit my face after three weeks of relentless cloud cover. I had a conversation with a friend and was completely honest, telling him just how low I was really feeling. Instead of asking me how he could help, he did the best thing that anyone could do.

He pointed me to Christ. He told me to journal about how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and also journal a prayer after that. And then he held me accountable by saying that he'd check in with me later that day to make sure that I'd actually spent some quality time seeking God, instead of continuing to avoid Him. (I thank God from the bottom of my heart for friends like that one. Juuust FYI.)

But for real, I've been feeling so much better over these last four days because I've finally been able to recognize and appreciate the importance of being a mess, and was reminded to set my focus on the Lord. Being a human, I'll obviously fail at this at least three more times in my life (lol, at least three). But this time has been valuable - although I didn't think so initially - and has taught me a lot about letting God meet me in the mess instead of pushing Him away or ignoring Him. I've also learned about letting friends see me in my struggle, being honest and vulnerable with them, and then allowing them to encourage and support me.

Jesus replied, "you do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)

I was at a young adults retreat with my church this weekend, and our focus was on the spiritual gifts in Romans 12, and what it looks like to cultivate those gifts, and how we can actively cultivate them.

My view this past weekend... BEAUTY, right?

During one of the sessions, our speaker was talking about some of the things we say in attempts to avoid cultivating our spiritual gifts. The thing that he said that had me convicted on multiple levels was


"I don't have time."


I'm not sure I say that a lot, but I definitely think it...

I don't have time to read my Bible.

I don't have time to process my emotions.

I don't have time to talk to someone about _______.

I don't have time to take a break and rest.

I don't have time to [fill-in-the-blank-with-some-important-thing-that-should-be-done-but-keeps-getting-put-off].

Sometimes it's true that you can't find time to get some things done. But it's also true that you need to make time if something is of enough importance to you.

The two biggest ones for me from my list above would be "I don't have time to read the Bible", and "I don't have time to talk to someone about _______".

Ya see, the convicting thing about saying that you don't have time to read the Bible or spend time with God is that, as a Christian, shouldn't that really be the thing that is of utmost importance to me? Like, at all times? Ouch. That one was a tough pill to swallow over the weekend. Which is probably why I'm still thinking about it now.

I had some great midnight chats over the weekend with the lovely young lady that I was sharing a room with. And as we laid in our sleeping bags on one of the nights, I remembered telling her that on the days when I wake up and actually prioritize spending time with God, I'm more easily able to see His goodness and mercies throughout the day. So one would think that I'd get it into my head that I need to start my day with God all the time, because my days always seem so much more bearable when I wake up and start them with Him. 

And the reason I was so convicted about the whole "I don't have time to talk to someone about _______" was because of what our speaker said after he made that point. He talked about how there are certain things that we never want to talk about with someone "because then it means that you'll actually have to deal with your problems."

Boom.

Another hard pill to swallow.

Dealing with your problems is rarely ever a walk in the park. I mean, if it is a walk in the park for you, then wow you're lucky pls teach me your ways. But anyway, dealing with your problems is so important, and at the same time it's something that can often get swept under the rug, at least if you're anything like I am when it comes to dealing with things wherein the good ol' emotions are involved.

The past couple of weeks I've been realizing a lot about how lonely and isolating it can be when you keep your problems to yourself and lead everyone to believe that you actually don't have any problems.

Sooo learn from my mistakes, take a page from my book, or whatever you want to say, and don't do that. Don't keep your problems - your emotions - to yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but trust me; you'll feel so much better if you talk to people (that you really trust) about what's goin' on inside your mind. That can seem like a cliché thing that people say, but I've realized that it's 100% true!

Make time for the important things. And keep in mind that it's okay to be messy. Sometimes it's really important to be a mess. You can learn a whole lot from it.

Last night, through a conversation with one of my pastors, I realized how important it is to be surrounded by people who will wound you.

I first heard that terminology used in the title of a Desiring God article and that immediately intrigued me to read the article.

'Who would willingly want someone to wound them?' I remember asking myself. But through the nature of the conversation that I had with my pastor, I realized the answer.

Source: Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com

I do. And you should too.

I'm not talking about finding a friend to literally stab you in the back or anything. That would suck. I'm talking about people who choose to say something that will likely offend or upset you in the moment, but in the long run they know you'll thank them. Because ultimately they care about your eternal soul above your momentary feelings.

I remember my pastor said something the other night that was so true and so important, and I was so struck by it (in a good way) that my end of the phone was quiet for awhile. My pastor must have thought he'd offended me because he apologized if what he had said wasn't what I'd wanted to hear. But really I was simply convicted by what he'd said, and thankful that he cares more about my relationship with God than anything else.

In the Desiring God article that I alluded to before, the author talked about our friends wounding us for our good. I'm not sure I'd ever think of wounds as "good" in any realm outside of Christianity. The author, Greg Morse, says this:

"The world cares nothing for our eternal good. Ungodly friends cheer us on toward destruction. They bequeath the kiss of flattery — the Dementor’s kiss. They coddle our egos, telling us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. Even the most genuine and moral among them sets sail away from God. Thus we need a crew of Christian companions — a body — to keep us from shipwreck. Finishing the race is not an individual endeavor, and eternity is at stake. Praise God then for the faithful wounds of true friends who protect us from ultimate injury. They tell us plainly, “You’re flirting with destruction!” Or, “Spiritual sloth is unacceptable!” Friends who ask us hard questions, who are for our eternal soul above our momentary feelings — these are true friends." (Emphasis added.)

That paragraph spoke to me so much, and the part that mentions eternity being what's at stake is exactly what my pastor had to say when I texted him about ten minutes after we'd hung up the phone, sincerely thanking him for caring about my heart, spiritual well-being, and growth in Christ. He reminded me that things of this earth are vanity of vanities, and as Christians we have a higher calling to focus on the eternal, not the temporal. 

You may be in the same boat that I used to be in, wondering how wounds can be good, and who would willingly wish for someone to wound them.

But I truly challenge you to recognize that you don't know it all. There are people out there who are further along in their relationship with God, who know more than you do - not necessarily about you, but about spiritual and heart health, about eternal truths. It really is helpful to seek wise counsel and choose wisely who it is that you want to have pouring into your life. It's so crucial to have someone pouring into your life who wants to see you succeed, see you grow closer to God, and be shaped more into the image of Christ Jesus, His son.

Choose someone who will wound you. Someone who will wound you for your good. Because honestly? My friends who have wounded me, who care deeply about my heart, my growth in Christ, my spiritual maturity. Those are the friends for whom I thank God the most.