Have You Heard God's Call?

Many incredible things happened in my life throughout the course of my freshman year in college. I made friends, learned a lot about God and myself, laughed a lot, cried a lot, and learned to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings, among many other things. That being said, there were also plenty of trials and difficulties that arose throughout the year.

Among both the good times and the bad, there is one specific thing that took place that stands above the others. Amidst much questioning, doubt, fear, and confusion, I heard God's calling in my life. I wrote many a frustrated journal entry about not knowing what was going on. I went into Bible college thinking that I was going to come back next year after completing my one year program, but there was a lot more confusion and hesitation in my mind as I began thinking about committing to three more years of schooling to become a worship leader.

When I realized God's calling, it wasn't a huge epiphany or anything. It happened over a period of time, from about October through to January, and I didn't even realize it had happened until my wonderful friends who came alongside throughout all of this, pointed out that I'd heard God's calling.

I feel that the best way for you to experience this journey is for me to share some parts of journal entries.

December 27th, 2014

"I'm fighting myself on doing the degree here. I give up on myself so easily; other people think that I can do it, but I'm having a hard time agreeing with them. Sometimes I almost think that I can do it, but then I worry about failing. BUT THE ONLY WAY TO FAIL IS TO NOT TRY. I know the Bible says that God uses inadequate people, but I just want to for ONCE believe that I'm good. I guess I've always thought that if I was meant to do something, I'd know it. I wouldn't be questioning. I know that I need to go for it because I'll only improve in the next three years."

January 12th, 2015

"Because I'm afraid of failure, I'm shutting down because all answers are pointing for me to stay here for three more years. I'm going to do it; I've come that far in my decision making. But I've been pulling a Jonah. I don't want to go to Ninevah, that's scary. I want to hop on a ship and I want to go somewhere that I want to go. I've got to get to the point where things get so scary that I run back and do what God wants me to do."

January 13th, 2015

"I'm being taught a HUGE lesson in trusting God. I've been asking for it since last year, and this is it. I'm trusting that God wants me to do the degree. I'm getting more affirmation than ever and it's like God is speaking to me through all these people."

Later that day...

"In chapel this morning, they talked about 2 Timothy 1:7 ("for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline"), about God giving courage to us. I WAS BEING SPOKEN TO BY THE PREACHER. One of my friends just came into my room and talked to me about how funny it is that I freaked out about this to her yesterday and now courage was preached about. I'm hoping that my feeling of "I can be a worship leader" will last awhile! I've never been happier in my life than I am when I'm here at college. That should be a sign in itself that I belong here."

Isn't God just SO COOL?! It blows my mind reading through this post and seeing the progress of God working in my life, even just in a matter of a couple months.

To wrap this up, here's what I wrote in regards to this situation back in the middle of April in my freshman year reflection paper...

"During those first couple of weeks of second semester, I felt God's presence so much not even just in regards to returning next year. When my doubts about being a worship leader returned in February, I remember talking with my roommate and she told me that she knew I belonged here because she hadn't seen me happier than I was in those first two weeks of this semester, glowing with joy from God. Now here I am at the end of my freshman year all signed up to return next year in the degree program. I'm terrified but I'm also ready to learn more about becoming a worship leader."

Since entering into my four month summer (HECK YES!), I've had a greater peace of mind about returning for the remaining three years. This year I completed a one year certificate in worship leadership, so technically I'm certified to be a worship leader. That stresses me out more than returning to college because how is an eighteen-year old supposed to go to a church and be like "yo, I'm a worship leader, hire me." I'm realizing now that I'd actually prefer to graduate (again) in three years and be a twenty-one year old worship leader looking for a job. Also, even though I learned a lot this year, how much more can I learn in three years!? Maybe that'll be when I'll have that full confidence that this is what I should be doing in my life.

Just some ponderings that have been floating around in my brain.....!