But, do you ever have those days where all you want to do is curl up in a heap on your bed and cry? You don't understand the situation that's been set before you. You're tired of waking up each day and still having that situation in your life. You're frustrated because there is nothing that you, in your inadequate, mortal, feeble state, can do. You simply want to run away.
If you haven't already guessed, that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I'm eighteen years old, and there are so many situations in life that are greater than I am. 'Why does it matter that you're eighteen?', you may be asking. I'm not sure if that does matter or not; sometimes I wonder if things would be more manageable if I were say, twenty-six or thirty-two. I'm assuming not; I feel like with each passing year the hard times will feel just as rough, whether I'm eighteen or thirty-two.
It's in times like these that I want to ask God, "Why me; why are you allowing this to happen to me?" and half the time it's not a bitter, angry question but more of a pitiful plea of 'your child is not strong enough...'. It's in these times that I know the correct answer is to rely on God's strength. Sometimes the depth of the hardship is so deep that I can't seem to remember that in my weakness, God is strong. Living in residence at college this past year was wonderful in times like these; my apartment mates would come alongside me and they'd be the angels on my shoulder reminding me, softly whispering in my ear that God is omnipotent.
I'm not too sure what to write in this post... As much as I feel it's the "right" thing to go all scriptural and post a bunch of helpful verses, that's not what I'm trying to get at right now. Far too often, non-Christians wrongly believe that Christians have their lives together, they're super holy all the time, and that God spares them from hardship and allows their lives to be lollipops and sunshine. I'm being completely raw in this post because I deeply long for non-Christians to see that in rough times, Christians sometimes lose sight of God's presence.
I know that "faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1), and that's the beauty of being a Christian in times of trial. Even though right now, at this very moment, I want to pack up and slip away in the quiet hours of the night, I know that when I wake up in the morning, the Lord will still be there. He does not spare his children from hardship, he simply promises that we won't have to face these things alone. As negative as I'm seeming right now, deep down inside me, I know that God's hand is in this situation that I'm facing.
Another wonderful promise is that God will never forsake me, or any Christian. Even in times when I yell at God in anger, he sits there and takes it and he still loves me. Man, that blows my mind every single time that I think about it. How awesome it is that no matter how many times we get angry, we sin, we turn our backs or rebel against God, he still stands beside us and loves us all the same!? It takes someone clearly beyond human to do that. Only One is able to be that way.
A short excerpt from my testimony that I had to write out for a class this past year that is so resonant right now is this:
"I wondered every day how I was still able to get through. I know that it was only by the grace of a God who wasn't going to give up on me even when I'd given up on myself long ago."So as despairing as I seem in this post, I'm almost certain that I'll wake up in the morning by the grace of God, feeling refreshed and ready to face a new day, hardships or none. God will be my refuge and my strength.
As I bid you goodnight, I hope you will listen to this song that has encouraged me greatly in difficult times. I'm going to end my night listening to it and allowing it's truths to comfort and encourage me once again.
Goodnight,
Elizabeth
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