Aside from my "this-is-what-I've-learned-from-one-month-in-Montréal" post - which I actually didn't even write on Tuesday when it was posted; I wrote it mostly on Saturday - I've kept pretty quiet over here on Brokenness Aside.
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| Source: Julia Bielawska; unsplash.com |
But today I'm reading a book called The Emotionally Healthy Leader by Peter Scazzero. The chapter I'm on right now is entitled "Face Your Shadow", and by "shadow" the author means:
"The accumulation of untamed emotions, less-than-pure motives and thoughts that, while largely unconscious, strongly influence and shape your behaviours. It is the damaged and most hidden version of who you are."That impacted me, and I made note of it in my GoogleDoc entitled "Notes From Book Report Books". But I was even more impacted as I continued reading and came upon an anecdote that the author shared about an interaction he had with an individual in his church.
The individual in question was someone who came from a successful family, was a speaker, author, rapper, a poet who had written three poetry books before graduating from university. But the author asked him, "Who are you really... beneath all that?" The individual couldn't come up with a response.
When they reconvened a few months later, the individual's response was different:
"After identifying the issues in my family and how they impact me today, God helped me to recognize my shadow. I looked at my poetry books, my accomplishments, and the perfect life story I had constructed. And I felt like God was inviting me to make a choice. I could try to revise and polish my story even more to present myself perfect and happy. Or I could allow God to redeem and restore me." (Scazzero, 65)After having read this, I was convicted. Why was I remaining fairly silent on the blog?
Because, like this individual in The Emotionally Healthy Leader, I was trying - in a way - to revise and polish my story even more to present myself perfect and happy. How was I doing that? Simply by not writing anything. Because if I didn't write, then it wasn't true.
I wasn't exhausted.
I wasn't late for numerous things because I couldn't drag myself out of bed.
I wasn't feeling numb and empty inside.
I wasn't joy-less.
I wasn't unnecessarily frustrated over stupid things, like the fact that neither WalMart nor Dollarama had candy corn.
Right?
Wrong.
These things were all true of me whether I chose to write about them or not. But again, like the individual in Scazzero's book, I choose to allow God to redeem and restore me.
And what that looks like for me, in this case, is writing about these things. So yes, those above statements have been true of me since returning to Montréal from New York City. Part of it has likely been grief-related from the tragic and sudden loss of my friend Tatiana almost two months ago, part of it could be spiritual attack, part of it could likely be an emotional crash-and-burn from the exciting and once in a lifetime experience of singing at Carnegie Hall last week.
But remember how at the beginning of this post I said that I prefer when my posts are more upbeat and happy and all about how good God is? That's still true.
However, this week I've realized anew that God is good all the time. cue chorus of "All the time, God is good."
And He provides what I need every day. I've been more conscious of that this week, whether I've realized it in the moment each day or not.
I haven't been able to get the line from verse three of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" out of my head:
"Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow."I've seen God provide small things amidst my inner turmoil and grief, and the terrible tragedy of WalMart not having candy corn. He's provided me with good friends, caring pastors from my home church, caring pastors from my church in Montréal.
Even amidst my shadow - the damaged and most hidden version of me - He's provided me with strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
And I am grateful.
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