On this day last year, we said goodbye to the earthly tent of my dear friend. Up to this point in my life, the days between his death and the day I left for Manitoulin with the team last year, have been the worst days I have ever experienced. I've never cried so hard in my life. I've never cried for so long in my life. I'd never said goodbye to a young friend of mine in my life.
I remember writing a blog post around this time last year, and I talked far more in depth about the trip to Manitoulin (sidenote: we leave for this year's trip in just two days!). Because of the events that had occurred earlier that week, I was feeling so angry, heartbroken, sad, and confused at this time last year. Something that I said in that post was,
"I'm writing this the night before we're set to leave (we leave in about ten hours!) and although I'm excited, there is definitely a different dynamic in the air this year... This year, there has been a lot going on in my life since the start of the summer, and I have to admit that I'm not excited as I had thought I would be at this point in time... I feel bad that I'm going up to Manitoulin Island and not feeling like myself, and not being extremely excited. The Bible tells us that there is a season for everything, and currently I'm in a season of mourning and hardship. I know that God will use me no matter how I'm feeling, and I have the desire to serve Him even though I'm sad."I was sitting in my room last night, reflecting and journaling about what life was like for me this time last year. I was shocked when I realized how far I've come, and how once again, the dynamic is very different in early July of this year. As I previously stated, there was so much hurt, sadness, and confusion that had taken up residence in my heart in July 2015. This year, as the end of June was approaching, and I was journaling about the last conversation that I'd had with my friend at the end of June last year, I wrote that I was dreading the beginning of July. But now that it's here, I'm finding that I can manage it better than I had initially given myself credit for.
Last night, a bunch of us who were friends of his from church and/or Bible study, went to the cemetery to remember him by his graveside. I was super anxious about going, and to be honest, I kind of didn't want to because I knew that my heart would start hurting, I would be sad, and I'd probably feel angry and confused. Which was true; it happened. I was sad, and I was confused. But, as strange as this may sound, I enjoyed myself. And I feel like it's safe to say that the rest of my friends who attended, enjoyed themselves too. We stood around and shared funny stories and good memories that we had of him. And his girlfriend pointed out the fact that it's so encouraging that no one has bad or angry memories of him. All we can remember are happy, inspirational, and goofy things.
As we all stood around his grave last night, just about one year after we stood there together saying goodbye on that rainy and terrible day, I found myself absolutely in awe of how powerful and awesome God has been to all of us throughout this season of mourning and loss. His sovereignty is beyond our comprehension, but we still remain faithful to Him, and He remains faithful to us. Even if some of the days were so hard that we just barely had the strength to get through the day, God still granted that strength. He has provided us with comfort from his Holy Spirit, from each other, and from other individuals in each of our lives. I'm truly grateful for the grace, love, mercy, comfort, and unconditional love that God has shown to each of us in this past year.
Last year, early July brought me much sadness, heartbreak, anger, and confusion. This year, life in early July has me finding that hope, peace, and comfort from the Lord have now taken up residence in my heart. Yes, I find that my heart physically hurts when I think about how much I miss my friend, or about what his future could have and would have held. Yes, not a day goes by that I don't think about, remember, or do/say/think of/see something that reminds me of him. But I can still sit here and write with confidence that although there is pain in my heart, there is also hope because I have assurance through the death and resurrection of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ that I will see my friend again in heaven. How do I know this? Because my friend had that very same faith in Christ that I have, and everyone who knew him can attest to that. My greatest joy in all of this is that when I see my dear friend again in heaven, it will be for forever. I'll never have to say a heart-wrenching goodbye to him (or anyone) ever again. What an incredible promise and blessing that truly is.
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