There's a quotation from one of her books that's really been consuming my mind over the past few days.
"Specifically, I pray for something I have never actually tried praying for before: I ask with all I am that my embittering desires be lifted from me. I kneel in the grass and ask God to remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for Him. I was beginning to see that when we live in perpetual breaking of that very first and rudimentary commandment, the whole house of cards falls. And for good reason. God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live, or else my desires will consume me and I will die not only the Great Death, but countless little deaths landing like stinging nettles on exposed skin, every hour of every day." (Carolyn Weber, Holy is the Day)Yikes, that's a lot to take in, right!? But it's so gooooood.
And it's what I want in life. I want God to be the Alpha and Omega of my desire. I want to truly live. I want to desire things - people, places, missions, ministries, a career - that first and foremost glorify God.
So I've been following in Dr. Weber's steps and praying that prayer. I've made it my mission to pray it every day this week. I've asked that "my embittering desires be lifted from me", that God will "remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for Him." And what have I learned so far?
Nothing yet. Not a thing.
Well okayyy, that's not true. I've been learning that it's hard. For two main reasons.
1. Naturally, I want what I want. (We all do. It's the way of the human race.)
I'm fighting against myself here, and my own natural desires. So I need to pray Dr. Weber's prayer repeatedly. Because it's one thing for me to read that quotation and say "Hey, yeah. That's awesome. That's so true, and something that I should probably pray too." Aaand then pray it once and go on with my life, continuing to seek my own desires.
It has taken years of ups and downs, and lots of conscious thought and effort on my part to come to the place where I've realized that seeking God and keeping Him as the Alpha and Omega of my desire is truly how I want to live my life at all times. And as a result of that, I'm recognizing that I need to continuously pray for my embittering desires to be lifted from me. Because naturally I'll want to hang on to my own desires.
But that doesn't mean that I give up. It means that I pray all the more and seek God more and more, because I love Him more than I love the things in life that I think I want. Which leads me to the second reason.
2. How do I know that a desire is from God and not my own?
Y'all, I have no idea as of yet. Which is why I need God, and why I need prayer. I'd be losing the fight against myself and my own desires if I just believed that after praying for God to remove everything that isn't first and foremost a desire for Him, that suddenly every desire within me is from Him and for Him. Praying for discernment in this is so necessary.
It's a journey, peeps. And it's not always an easy one. But it's so worth it. As Dr. Weber says in her book "God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live."
Don't just take it from me and Carolyn Weber though; Jesus Himself is an example of One longing to keep God as the center as well. In Luke 22 He says:
"...Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42)So let's follow in Christ's footsteps, recognizing that God must be the Alpha and Omega of our desire.
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