In that blog post, one of the things she wrote that rings true for me is:
"This year has been so fun and exciting and filled with adventure but it hasn't been easy in any sense. Through the brokenness I've seen so much beauty and the only person to thank for that is Jesus alone."
At the end of 2018, I can say the same. This year has been very fun and exciting and filled with adventure. I completed an internship at my home church, performed my graduation recital, graduated with my Bachelor's degree in church music, went to Manitoulin Island, sang at three weddings (my first wedding gigs!), got my g2, adventured to Montréal and completed an internship there, and made it back home again in time for Christmas.
But 2018 hasn't been easy in any sense, exactly as Tat wrote three years ago. A local author who wrote a newspaper article about her life after she died wrote,
"Blackburn put a rich, detailed account of her life and feelings online."People can bash social media as much as they want nowadays, saying that young people "post too often" and "share too much", but I think Tat's rich, detailed account of her life online is something that has brought many of us great comfort the past four months. We get Facebook memories, we have blog posts to read, funny anecdotes that get shared, and Instagram posts - she has 1,704 for us to look back at and reminisce through.
In Tat's end-of-2015 blog post, she also wrote,
"Jesus has made this year so beautiful."Again, at the end of 2018, I can say the same. At the end of 2016 I wrote a blog post ranting about people complaining all over social media in December about how bad of a year 2016 had been. And forget just 2016. I saw those same posts at the end of 2017, and I've seen them yet again this year. It still drives me insane, but I've come to realize that there'll always always always be people who have something negative to say about every year.
But as Tat wrote, because of Jesus alone, 2018 was still a beautiful year. I learned so many lessons, developed my skills and abilities, and gained much self-confidence while doing my internship in Montréal these past four months. Tat was passionate about missions, and while I'm more passionate about music ministry than I am about missions, I was determined to complete each internship task to the best of my ability in her honour. Because I know she'd have wanted to hear about it. She told me so in the summer when I told her I'd be going, and Matt (her fiancé + my close friend) tells me so now. How I wish I could share the fun and excitement and adventures I'd had with her.
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| a photo of Tat + two of her younger siblings in Peru - shared in a local newspaper article. |
But amidst this sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and grief, 2018 was still beautiful. And I'm determined that 2019 will be as well. One of Tat's favourite sayings was "grace upon grace" which is one of my favourites too, since I'd heard a T.B. LaBerge quote similar to it that says,
"Grace upon grace, until we have made our way home."Grace is going to be my personal theme for 2019. Grace upon grace. All too often I struggle to accept God's grace for myself. We hear that word all the time, and I believe that there's grace for other people, but I can so easily just harp on and beat myself up over my own sins and mistakes, almost as though I don't believe that Jesus' grace is extended to me. This is a flaw of mine that one of my friends in Montréal pointed out to me.
And I'd like to think Tat would be proud of me for wanting to accept and attempt to understand the grace that God has for me - for all of us. Because his grace is endless and boundless.
I want to end by sharing another piece of another blog post. From one of Tat's friends, Danielle. I've never met Danielle, but in late October she shared a blog post formatted as a letter to Tat. I was so touched by it. So I wanted to share the portion that touched me the most because I share Danielle's sentiment, pain, heart, and love for Tat in these words:
"I have decided that I would want you to know how much your absence breaks me. I would want you to know that your existence is so significant to me and when that existence shifted into heaven my heart could barely handle it. You are a BIG deal to me, Tat Blackburn. Your life was such a light in this world, and everything feels different without you.""Grace upon grace until we have made our way home." And you have made it home, Tatiana. One day we'll reunite forever, and I suppose then I can share with you all about my Montréal adventures - and every other adventure I get into before I see you again. My heart breaks and aches now, but this life on earth is merely a blink of an eye in light of eternity. I cannot wait, sweet friend. 💛
So, here's to 2019 - another year that through its brokenness we will see so much beauty, through the grace of Jesus alone.
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| balloons that Tat's family released on what would have been her wedding day. 10.22.18 |
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