Linen Pants + Growing.

2019 has been good for me so far.

And I don't mean "good for me" in the sense that everything has been hunky-dory and gone my way all the time.

"Good for me" in the sense of "I'm learning a lot of stuff and expanding my horizons and leaving my comfort zone and it's been good for me." That typa "good for me."

Ya feel???

Source: N.; unsplash.com

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Wellll, this technically didn't start in 2019; it started when I was in Montréal this past fall. While I was there, I found that the easiest way for me to process things was to journal about them. I also did that because I wanted to document (almost) every moment of my time in Montréal. But I was able to write out and read back how I was feeling about things, and through that, I've learned a lot about what I need, how I respond in different situations, and who I really am when I'm being the most honest and open and not worrying about people's thoughts or opinions on what I'm thinking or feeling or saying (aka writing). My journal is SECRET AND PRIVATE Y'ALL. 🚫

Man, I have a lot of thoughts and I feel like I know what I want to say in this post but I hardly know how to word it all... So bear with me as I ramble a bit and hopefully somehow make my way to the point.

To give some back story, I've spent a lot of my life worrying about what other people think of me. I still struggle with that. Moreso when it comes to what I say and how I'm perceived, less so in regards to how I look or what I wear. Which is what this post is about.

As a result of that - worrying abut what people think of me - back in high school/middle school, I ended up doing things in a certain way/wearing certain things that would make me seem "the same" as the people around me.

Like, I started wearing makeup at a certain age because all the girls around me were. I always wanted an Adidas jacket or a Bench jacket because "all the cool kids had them". I started wearing skinny jeans instead of bootcut jeans because everyone else started wearing skinny jeans. I wore my hair up ALL THE TIME for probably ten years because I thought people would make fun of my voluminous, frizzy curls. As it turns out, everyone loves them and I have been the only one who feels negatively towards my curls... And while I wore my hair up to hide it and tame it, I would wear bright colours because I still wanted to be seen and stand out - don't we all want that? To be seen?

Since really starting to learn about myself and who I am, I've been realizing in a practical way that what other people think of me doesn't matter that much. At all.

Living in Montréal was helpful in this way, not simply because of the journalling, but also because I spent a lot of time on the bus, on the metro, and walking through the streets of downtown. I saw so many types of people all day every day. People wearing what they wanted, having their hair done or dyed however they wanted. Everyone was just doing their own thang. I suddenly realized that I wanted to do that too... within reason, of course.

So I got back to Ontario and chopped my hair short enough that I can't wear it up all the time - I needed to force myself to embrace my crazy frizzy curls.

I stopped wearing bright colours and have been loving wearing more neutral, earthy-toned pieces - I prefer my brightness to come from my personality rather than my appearance. ✨ (not reallyyy, maybe that's cheesy, but also yeah... this is kinda true.)

I recently bought myself more loose-fitting linen pants to bring myself out of the "I only wear skinny jeans just like everyone else" place that I've been stuck in since high school. And I love them... A lot.

I've stopped wearing makeup every day because, as a YouTuber I enjoy watching said in a video, I'm learning what it means to "wear less makeup to feel more beautiful." Plus, it saves me a lot of time in my morning routine which is SO nice. 😴

Those are a few examples of small changes I've implemented in my life that have somehow made me feel more like myself. I'm finally learning that lesson that we've all heard since we were kids. Y'know, that one about it being what's on the inside that counts.

Honestly, I find that the linen pants have been the most impactful small change I've made. I had a pretty lengthy conversation with a couple friends last week about having wanted linen pants for quite a time but being too concerned about what other people will think when they see me wearing them because they're not what I normally wear. But I've decided that as long as I like them (which I do) and I feel comfortable in them (they are so SO very comfy 😌), then that's all that needs to matter! Hashtag, learning to develop my own style.

Everyone will always have opinions on everythinggg. So you kinda just have to ignore that. As much as you can. I'm still working on it... I still walk away from conversations with people who are just getting to know me and thinking 'did they get an accurate representation of who I am? should I have said x instead of y? should I not have said z at all? what did they think when I said q or when I laughed at that one comment they made? was that actually rude?'

But that's a whole other topic. And I'm aware of it. The first step is acceptance right? I'm not in denial that this is something I have to work on. And I am.

We makin progress. We're all growing here. 🌱