Anxious Fourth Year Thoughts.

I struggle with this thing that I call "I-like-to-make-people-think-I've-got-it-all-together-all-the-time". Just kidding, I don't actually call it anything. But it looks a little something like this:

I always smile and always say "I'm doing well" when asked "How are you?".

I have a movie quote ready to post on Facebook when I move back to school in the fall, something about how I'm back and ready to rule the school (Grease, anyone?).

I've considered not going to my school's all-student retreat on the first week of the semester this year because I've already done that three times and I'll be in my fourth year and therefore "too cool" for that.

BUT WAIT.

Before y'all start judging me super hard based upon those confessions, you should also know that there's more to me than meets the eye. Those cringe-y, egotistical things I've just said are coming from the same girl who intended to drop out of her Bachelors degree before her fourth year so that she wouldn't have to do her internship or graduation recital. 

Fam. Yikes. I'm scared. I'm anxious. And for me, that's really when these egotistical things start rearin' their ugly ugly heads. For some reason, I think that when I'm fearful, I have to put on this false mask of overcompensated self-confidence to hide the fear. But I think it's important to fess up and admit that I don't have it all together now, and I'm not sure I ever will on this side of heaven.

This morning I had a meeting with my internship advisor about all the different things that will be expected of me in my internship and I'm pretty sure I walked out of his office feeling more intimidated than I was when I found out in my first year that I'd have to do an internship as part of my degree... And trust me, I was already pretty intimidated back then.

I also most definitely texted two of my closest friends after the meeting telling them how terrified and inadequate I feel, and rambled about how amazing the previous interns have been in comparison to how I think I'll be. (Comparison is a whooole other can of worms that I'll open at a later date.)

Sooo yeah. I definitely don't have it all together.

BUT. Despite the fact that I'm fearful and anxious, I'm also fiercely loved by a God who created everything. He created me. He created you. He unfortunately created my internship and graduation recital. Kinda.

He also created the people who wrote the Bible.

One of my friends has recently been pointing me back to the book of Matthew, specifically Matthew 6:25-34, wherein the heading is "Do Not Be Anxious". Trust me, I almost always have zero idea how to not be anxious, but what I do know how to do is trust God and pray that He'll constantly remind me that He has it together. Even when I do not. (Aka all the time).

So there you go. Now you all know that I don't, in fact, have it all together. And you can call me out on that. And remind me to trust God. He is far more powerful than our fears, doubts, inadequacies, and anxiety.