A Lone Mug of Decaf.

A couple weeks ago, one of my friends shared a picture on instagram, and part of her caption read "ministry sometimes looks like a lone mug of decaf."

And y'know what? I feel that.

But I don't actually drink decaf, don't worry. It just fits my recent mood.

Source: Annie Spratt; unsplash.com

Ministry isn't actually a lone mug of anything, really. But when you've had a couple more brutally honest, confrontational, given-me-too-many-things-too-process-at-one-time conversations than you'd like, featuring matters of the heart, you're left feeling like a lone mug of decaf.

Or maybe something a liiittle stronger than decaf. 🤪

I've been learning a lot. A lot about myself, which is why it's been hard for me to swallow it all. And we all know that when I start learnin things is when I head on over to the trusty ol' blog and share all of said learnings.

As a result of these heart matter conversations, I've ended up feeling exposed, uncomfortable, weird, and kind of like I just want to back myself into a hole and not talk to anyone about anything other than the weather, Christmas, coffee, and pretty much anything that doesn't have to do with my sensitive tender little heart and the matters that concern it!!!!!

But at the same time, I feel mature, honest, communicative, vulnerable (in a good way), and human. I feel broken, which we all are - and so is decaf coffee amiright??

I'm realizing that I have a lot to process. A lot of stuff about me.

I had breakfast this morning with my fellow intern who works on the English side - Lydia - and we talked about how we've both learned a lot about ourselves from our internships. She had a really great way of putting it.

🥰🥰🥰

She shared that when we're both at home, it was so easy for us to be caught up in our usual routine, and there are things about ourselves that we've just swept under the rug because that's what we normally do.

But being here in Montréal, in a new stage of life - one of increased independence - it's harder to ignore things about ourselves that really should be dealt with.

Like matters of the heart, brutally honest things, sins, confrontational stuff, and so on. Aka the things that have been addressed in the conversations I've been having the past few days. 

Living on your own, without your parents, as a young adult means that you have to lean more towards the "adult" side of things instead of just the "young adult" side. That's why maturity and independence are two areas in which I've grown a ton since September. Although I'm not truly a lone mug of decaf, it is true that if I want something done right or dealt with, I have to do it right and deal what it myself. I'm treated like an adult. I have to treat myself like an adult.

I don't have someone guiding my every step and telling me that I have to deal with my crap. I have to choose to do so. Which isn't always easy. Especially when it ends up leaving me feeling like a tired ol' lonely mug of decaf.

But that's where grace comes in. That's where Jesus comes in. Because without Him, I'm nothing. There's grace for me. As my lovely friend Beth put it in her blog:

"If God is the same God to me that I preach on my blog, if God is the same God to me that I tell my friends about, or who I counsel about, then there is plenty of grace for me. There is plenty of room for my perceived failure."

So even when ministry looks like a lonely mug of decaf, I'm okay. Everything's okay, because I'm not actually alone, and God is always good.