On December 1st, I was at home, participating in my home church's annual Christmas Festival. My flight being cancelled on the 3rd didn't really upset me that much, partly because the airline rescheduled my flight for free, and partly because my new flight was for the next day, so I was able to spend a little bit more time at home.
I was happy to be home, and almost too eager and excited to return home for Christmas.
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| source: Pro Church Media; unsplash.com |
"Because I'm happier at home than I am here," I said to him. That was so easy to say in the moment because I was still struggling with the sadness that came from having just been at home.
But the fact that I said that to my friend has been passing through my mind almost every day since I said it.
It especially passed through my mind as I teared up on the bus ride home from being with friends at 10:30 last night, thinking about this morning being my last Église 21 staff meeting.
I have a hard time with endings. I always have.
I've read some of the same books multiple times. I think that likely could be because I was unsatisfied that the story was over, and I didn't want it to be, so I would read it again and again.
I was the kid who cried and cried and cried when my mom left me in the church nursery. As an adult, I don't prefer crying and crying and crying in front of people, so I tend to smile a lot and make light of goodbyes, trying my best to make them quick and painless. My voice might shake, but I'll quickly crack a joke - to make myself laugh more than anyone else, really.
Since coming to Montréal in September, I've cried more on public transit than I'd like to admit. Multiple forms of public transit at that - busses, metros, airplanes. After I said goodbye to Lydia when she left Montréal, after I left the people from my church and Bible college when I went to NYC, when thinking about my last É21 staff meeting.
I wish to publicly revise the statement I made to my friend the other week. I should have said that I'm more comfortable at home, not necessarily happier.
I'd like to think that I'm relatively adaptable in terms of finding some way to be happy and joyful whether I'm at home, in college, in Montréal, etc. But my safe place - the place where I feel the most comfortable, the most "me" - would be at home. And I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with that, because my comfort at home doesn't stop me from branching out and adapting to a new place, experience, or opportunity.
And while I'm definitely happy to be going home on the 23rd, right in time to celebrate Christmas with my family, I think it will settle in once the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over that I'm back. I'm at home, and for the foreseeable future I won't be returning to Montréal.
I've gotten used to my daily routine in Montréal - waking up, taking the bus, taking the metro, walking to the office. It will be weird and somehow new all over again to be at home, having to transition back into a new daily routine. At least this one will involve coffee that isn't instant, and meals cooked by my mom.
And while endings signify the end - the finality - of something, they also present the opportunity for something new. A new year will be upon us soon, and so will a brand new adventure.
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